I'm adopted. There I've said it. That's who I am and what I am. It defines me. In my home, adoption was not to be discussed. In fact, my adoptive father, God rest his soul, didn't want me to know I was adopted so he cut the ankle band from my leg and threw it into a fire. Most parents save those kinds of mementoes. Everything about me may have been contained on that one piece of paper encased in plastic and attached to me after my birth. All of the information about my birth mother may have been within my reach but was destroyed by a fire in a wood burning stove. Who needs a fire in the month of May? Or was the fire started purposely as a means to get rid of information?
Instead, I've spent the last 41 years, countless hours and thousands of dollars searching and researching my biology... to no avail. Now don't get me wrong, I love my adoptive parents and appreciate the fact that they allowed me to know what a family was all about. But what I needed more than anything was to know ME. I'm glad open adoptions are available now. Every adoptee has a right to know where they came from.
Perhaps speaking about my feelings in this format will allow me to learn more about myself. Discovering me has become more important than finding out about my biology although the two go hand in hand. I don't want anyone reading this to think I'm against adoption or adoptive parents; I'm not. I want to explore the feelings adoption brings. Maybe there are adoptees out there who want to share their feelings or adoptive parents who can add their thoughts or maybe, just maybe, there are potential adoptive parents out there that need to hear about the different feelings and emotions adoptees experience.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. I know I'm just a Sleigh Ride away from finding ME!
Your expressions are powerful insights into your life as an adoptee. The pain is deep. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWalt, the pain is deep. I'm hoping this format will open dialogue about adoption.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the Blog, Rosa. Hope progress is continuing on the literary effort with the novels. Obviously, with my book, No Reason For Dying, I explore extensively the impact of adoption on character development and self concept, even with a clonable, loving mother.
ReplyDeleteAs human beings, the voices inside us speak louder than the environment in which we exist. In other words, we have an internal conversation about who we are in the world; that internal perception may not be supported by the objective reality but we are a clearing for the perceptions that suit the drama, or "Pain Body" as Eckert Tolle suggests ( Oprah's transformational guy ) with which we are comfortable.
As regards "KNOWING," it is good that you are pursuing the initiative to find out the TRUTH about your parentage but that could also be a double edged sword that produces more angst than NOT KNOWING, depending on whom or what your bio-folks turn out to be. I was glad Mama told me about my teenaged white mother in Nebraska but was left to wrestle with the insidious "Abandonement issues" along with spending most of my life hating being HALF WHITE. I didn't get that one handled until I was 46 years old. I made the unpredictable decision to do the Landmark Education "FORUM." This option could usher in a BREAKTHROUGH for you. I would strongly recommend you take a look at it.
Peace,
Brian www.NoReasonForDying.com
Brian, Thank you so much for your encouragement! I would love to explore the Landmark Education "FORUM" Do you have more information about it or where I can find the information?
ReplyDeleteHad my adoptive parents dealt with my emotional health early on and the need to know my biology, I may have saved from the scars I now have to bear. I understand that the "truth" may be hard to swallow but it's still my "truth" and I need to embrace it.
Thanks again for commenting and keep reading for more insight into my thoughts and feelings. Feel free to chime in at any time!