I am Good At Being Me!

"I might not be the most beautiful or the sexiest, nor do I have the perfect body. I might not be a first choice, but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I am just too good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today! Take... me as I am or watch me as I walk away"

I don't know the original author of this statement, but they hit the nail on the head with this one! I am learning that I'm good at being me.

The Locator

Okay, yesterday I watched a rerun of The Locator. It's been quite some time since I watched only because it reminds me of my failure to find my birth mother and the fact that she is not looking for me. On this particular episode, the birth mother's newly adopted daughter wanted to find the daughter the birth mother put up for adoption thirty plus years ago. The newly adopted daughter saw the pain her mother was experiencing due to being forced to give her first born up for adoption. She wanted to pay her mother back for taking her in and loving her: finding her first daughter she thought, would help ease her mother's pain. All of that in itself would be a great story and I could stop here, but there is more to it that I want to tell you about.

When Troy Dunn approached the adoptee, she wanted to know "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" All good questions. So it got me thinking, is that why I'm having so much trouble finding my birth mother? Is she wondering "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" No L. Sleigh wherever you are, I don't want anything from you: not money, not a kidney: nothing. I just want to see you, hear your back story and more importantly allow you to see me. I want you to see that I've done okay. I don't have to tell you of the disappointment I suffer daily by not knowing who you are. I don't have to tell you that this adoption has affected and effected everyday of my life. I will spare you from all of the pain being adopted has caused me.

Troy Dunn asked the daughter if it was possible her birth mother just wanted to see her? When he asked that question, it was like a light bulb went on in the daughter's head. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Yeah." So you see L. Sleigh, I just want to see you, nothing more and nothing less.

This Sleigh ride is more like a roller coaster ride.

Random Thoughts

Now that we've celebrated the birth of our country, I can get back to the business at hand: celebrating me. I have nothing new to report. I haven't heard that anyone is searching for me. And to be quite honest, I haven't given much thought to the search process either. Does that mean I may actually be getting over looking for my biology? I won't go that far, but I find myself thinking less about being adopted and more about discovering my future. Maybe I am finally finding myself.

Asking The Hard Questions(?)

You've got some serious issues lying just below the surface -- and they might be exerting more influence than you realize. It's a really good time for you to step up and ask some hard questions! This was my horoscope for today. Not that I allow my horoscope to dictate my life but since I starting reading them when I was around 15 or 16, I continue to do so out of habit. This particular horoscope caught my attention because it said I needed "to step up and ask some hard questions" Okay, so what have I been doing all of this time? Haven't I asked the questions I thought would get me the answers I was looking for? Yet still no answers. So maybe the horoscope is telling me I'm not asking the right people the hard questions. But who is left to ask? By now, my birth mom would be 76 years old, most of the people who may have the answers I need are now deceased and those who are left are not talking.

And just like my horoscope said, there are some issues lying just below the surface: not having the answers! And yes, those unanswered questions are exerting more influence on my life (my mind and my body). Okay, so maybe my horoscope is trying to tell me something. But why can't the horoscope come right out and say what it means. Trying to guess the message is tantamount to trying to find the answers to the questions I was trying to get answered in the first place. Since the horoscope thinks it's so smart, maybe they need to also give me the answers I need!

I'm so ready for this Sleigh ride to come to the end.

Change of Plans

Every year, my husband and I squeeze in as many short road trips as possible. This weekend was no different, as we just got back from Savannah Georgia. We used to try to get to Charleston South Carolina a couple times a year. Because my birth mother is from South Carolina, I always imagine that if I sit in one place for a while, someone will walk by and recognize me. "Oh, you look just like..." are the words I'm longing to hear. Okay, so it hasn't happened yet and I'm tired of raising my expectations. So this weekend, we changed our plans and drove to Atlanta to see some old friends in from Virginia and then on to Savannah to walk along the river and eat some good seafood (before the oil spill damages all of our bodies of water).

Being with friends we hadn't seen in 12 years made me think of how a reunion with my birth mother will be. To hug each other and share experiences with each other: to cry, to laugh, and probably cry some more is how I imagine our first meeting.

We'll go back to Charleston one day, but in the meantime, we'll keep looking for other places to go to enjoy our weekends. Soon, I'll be a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

Remember our fallen. Happy Memorial Day!

Somebody Knows!

Somebody out there knows something about my biology. Perhaps one day they will have the courage to step up and tell me what they know. Maybe someone heard their parents talking about my adoption. Any tidbit would help me in my search. Lord knows, I've chased several wild geese following up on those kinds of leads.

When I see an adoptee on television, speaking of their experience or a birth mother telling us how miserable she has been since giving her baby up for adoption and occasionally even the birth father who knew nothing about the baby until much too late to do anything, I wonder if my birth mother is seeing the same show and thinking about me.

Tomorrow is the day I celebrate the day of my birth and it is always around this time that feelings of deja vu come abounding. I keep seeing things or hearing phrases that remind me of something from a long time ago. Are those my ancestors speaking to me? Are they telling me that it won't be long now before I find out about my biology or are they telling me to move on and just forget about it? I almost feel like putting posters up in every city in America with L. Sleigh's information on it. But wait, I forgot, I don't have L. Sleigh's information. I wonder if she saw a "lost mother" or a "wanted" poster hanging on a telephone pole would she ignore it, be embarassed about it or even recognize herself.

The Lord has blessed me tremendously and continues to shower me with His love, grace and mercy. I'm sure He will reveal my birth information in His time. But note to birthmom, tomorrow is the day you gave birth to me. Will you please scream Happy Birthday to me as loud as you can so I can hear it? Just introduce yourself. I don't want anything from you. I just want to see you, hear your voice, ask a couple questions about your health. But if you were to open up to me... I'd like to have a friendship with you, learn all I could about you. Come on L. Sleigh, you're out there somewhere. How about it?

The best birthday present I could have would be the gift of my birth mom! Maybe my Sleigh ride will end tomorrow! It could happen!

Underlying Issues

Like I've said before, I think adoptees have more medical issues than "normal" people. And because we have no way to verify conditions that could be inherited, we end up going from doctor to doctor trying to find out what is wrong. I have suffered from Fibromyalgia for about 20 years. At first no one knew what it was. Some doctors wanted to call it Chronic Pain Syndrome, others wanted to call it Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and finally one of my doctors diagnosed it as Fibromyalgia. The medication designed to help with the pain causes me swelling and suicidal thoughts (find out about the side effects of the medications you take). So I'm in a catch 22 so to speak.

Cold weather and rain are two of the things that cause my Fibromyalgia to flair up. Stress is another one of those things that causes major flair ups. You've heard people say that they can tell when it's going to rain because their arthritis rears its' ugly head, Fibromyalgia does the same thing. The stress of trying to find my biology has increased the time I have to spend fighting the pain of Fibromyalgia.

I also have Vitiligo (loss of pigment). Yes, the same thing Michael Jackson had. My skin is void of color. Information about Vitiligo is slowly being learned. Stress, digestive issues and heredity are some of the causes of Vitiligo. There again, because I don't have any information about my biology, I have to blame it on stress or digestive issues. It basically boils down to the stress of finding my birth mother.

Being adopted affects more than your heart and your head, it has an effect on your body. The not knowing takes its' toll on the adoptee in a lot of different ways.

Dear Lord, let me be just a Sleigh ride away from getting the answers I need

Unfinished Business

I have been threatening for years to go back to school and complete my degree to no avail. I keep going back to school and for one reason or another, and I never finish. That's been the story of my life. Unfinished business. I start something, I stop. I start something else, I stop. This has gone on and on and on forever. I think it has something to do with me being adopted. Because I can't find my genealogy, I think I have a mental block about the rest of my life.

Of course, no one but me cares if I back to school or not, so when I say I've been threatening, it's only myself I'm hurting. How do I equate my unfinished business with being adopted? First of all, I blame everything on my being adopted. But I think it's because my life has been such a lie I'm afraid of finality.

Now I have been able to complete some things. For instance, I raised 2 sets of twins. I wrote and published two short stories. And I guess if I thought long and hard enough about it, I'd find some other accomplishments I've achieved. Yet those accomplishments have never been enough to sustain me. Finding myself is what will keep me going, moving toward a goal.

Okay, now I've decided to go back to school! I've said it publicly. I'm committed. Perhaps I am finding myself now. Maybe it won't take finding my birth mother for me to move forward. Maybe I am now just a Sleigh ride from finding me!

Yesterday Part of My Dream Died

I spent part of my childhood praying that one day I would find out that the incredible Lena Horne was my birth mother. Once I got my non-identifying information from the state of Indiana, I was able to rule that possibility out as my birth mother was about 20 years younger than Ms. Horne. But that didn't stop me from praying that a miracle would occur and Lena Horne would come bursting through my front door and declare her undying love for me and beg for my forgiveness for abandoning me.

Lena Horne once said "After I got over the terrible pain of having something of mine taken from me, I began to think how bad everybody else must be feeling. It wasn't a nice time." When I read that statement, I just knew she was talking about me. Maybe I was taken from her. Maybe she lost me through no fault of her own. She gave me hope that my birth mother would find me some day, some way, some how.

As we just celebrated Mother's Day, I grieved for the 2 mothers I had lost; my birth mom and my adoptive mother. And upon waking Monday morning, I found out that I had lost my 3rd mother, my pretend mother. R.I.P. Lena Horne. You still give me hope, the hope that I'm just a Sleigh ride from finding myself.

Happy Mother's Day!

I want to take this time to wish all of the mothers including single fathers, aunts, and everyone who has had a hand in raising someone a Happy Mother's Day. This is an emotional time for me as I have now lost two mothers. So Happy Mother's Day L. Sleigh where ever you are. And Happy Mother's Day to Irene Thompson Elmore who loved me unconditionally.

A Motherless Child

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.. a long way from home." (J. W. Johnson, J. R. Johnson) Since my adoptive mother died 5 years ago, the words from the song Motherless Child describe how I feel. I've now been abandoned by 2 mothers. Whew! That's a lot to digest. One mother, maybe by choice and the other mother by God's choosing. As we approach Mother's Day, the words to the song ring louder and louder in my ears. No time for pity though, I have to continue to be the best mother I can be to my children.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there.

My Reaction

I wake up every morning thinking today is the day my birth mother and I will find each other. Then I think about what my reaction will be when the reunion actually happens. Will I be angry? Will I run into her arms praying that the hole in my heart will automatically be healed? Will we talk non stop about how our lives have been without each other?

What if she's deceased? What will I do then? Will I be angry at all of the people who held the keys to my search and told me too late to get to know my mother? I hate to be consumed with my finding myself but this friends, is what a lot of adoptees go through on a day to day basis. Just thought you'd like to know.

Maybe I'm just a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

The Word Adoption (Adult Content)

When we look at someone we view them simply by what we see. How pretty or handsome they are, how they dress, the expression on their faces, where they live, what they drive and the list goes on and on. How a person looks however, gives no clue as to what or who the person really is. It's when we can sit and hold a conversation with people we really gain insight into what makes them who or what they are.

I'm adopted. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, but sit and talk with me for more than a half hour and I will tell you that I'm adopted and looking for my birth family. I tell everyone I can because I never know when someone may have the information I'm looking for. I remember coming out of surgery years ago, and the nurse responsible for getting me up and making me walk gasped when she saw me. She stated I looked exactly like someone she knew. I was still suffering from the affects of anesthesia but I remember distinctly saying in one breath, I'm adopted.. I was born on (I gave her the date)... I was born in Indianapolis and my name was Infant Sleigh. I prayed she would come back into the room once I gained my good senses so she could tell me who it was I looked like. But of course, it was her long weekend to be off and I would never see her again. This is the way I live my life, praying and hoping someone will recognize me or have the information I need to move forward in finding myself.

But now remember there is a downside to telling people you are adopted. It becomes your title. It labels you and the word doesn't always feel so good. The word adoption can sometimes have the same connotation to a child as bitches and whores to a woman or boy or nigger to an African American man. It's been said that we are what we learn and when you grow up with titles placed on you, you find yourself limited in what you can become. Most adoptees have been able to shake off the title and move forward. Some however stay paralyed and can't focus on anything but finding their biology.

I'm still praying and hoping that I'm just a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

Disappointed Daily

Okay, you're a small child and it's Christmas Eve. You can hardly sleep in anticipation of what Santa Claus is going to bring. Even if your parents have warned you that things are tight this year and there may not be much under the tree, you just can't imagine that God, Santa Claus, your parents, somebody, anybody will disappoint you. You run for the tree early Christmas morning and much to your chagrin, there are a few clothing items, mainly socks and underwear along with a couple small toys. You were warned but just could not believe that all involved were derelict in their duty to you.

As an adult, my husband and I give each other gifts all year long. We have chosen not to wait for Christmas, we've decided to celebrate God's blessings to us all year long. However, I still have to admit, I'm always a little disappointed to wake up on Christmas morning and there is no surprise awaiting me. In fact, it isn't until we go to sleep Christmas night that it actually dawns on me that I won't be getting anything.

That is the same feeling I have as an adoptee. I awaken every morning thinking today may be the day my birth mother will find me or I will find her.

Maybe I'm just a Sleigh ride away from having my Christmas.

Every Adoption is Different

Just as every birth is different, every adoption is different. You should never attempt to tell me how I feel or should feel about being adopted. You have no idea. Especially since day to day my feelings change. I have had people tell me that I shouldn't look for my biology because I was so loved by my adoptive parents. I know they loved me but like Tina Turner sang "what's love got to do with it?" I love them too and appreciate all they did for me. But those feelings were reserved for them. Those are not the same feelings I have for my birth mother. Loving my adoptive parents cannot measure to the bond I shared for 9 months in utero with my birth mother.

There is no politically correct way to discuss adoption; you have your opinions and I have mine. You can listen to me, you can even give a few pearls of wisdom. I don't mind hearing about how great your adoption was, how great your adoptive parents were, how great you turned out but excuse me if I listen to those discussions with a deaf ear.

You will always find adoptees who just love everything about life and think being adopted was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you will also hear from those who need to know more, want to know more, deserve to know more. Maybe L. Sleigh will come forth to give me the information I'm seeking.

Just a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

The Word "Real"

There is no politically correct way to talk when you are an adoptee or when you talk to an adoptee. Everyday language does not always apply. "Real" is one of those words that seems to pop up quite often. Are those your "real" parents? Are you their "real" daughter? Do you know your "real" mother/father? I even got the question, is that your "real" hair? What's up with that?

I don't like it, but I understand it. However, the fact that people would ask those questions of a little girl who really hadn't grasped the whole adoption idea and obviously would not have had answers, now makes me shudder. Now of course, if they asked me those questions now, I would know how to respond. I once worked with a woman who had adopted a son. She and her husband didn't want the son to know that he was adopted. That would've been okay until the fellow started being asked those questions and at the same time was being told that he looked just like someone who lived close by. Totally unprepared for the the questions or the feelings those questions brought, he had a major breakdown and for years didn't have anything to do with the parents who gave him their last name. By the way, the person everyone said he looked like happened to be his identical twin brother! Imagine that.

What I want adoptive parents to understand is that you have to arm an adoptee with all the tools necessary to protect their feelings. People in the city where you live know you adopted because they never saw you pregnant. But you want the adoptee to act like everything is normal. Teach your adopted child about the words they will hear, especially the word "real"

Was Popeye an Adoptive Father?

I loved the cartoon Popeye! I loved it that once the bumbling Popeye ate his spinach, he could conquer almost any and everything. His relationship with girlfriend Olive Oyl was so sweet and he was so protective of her against his arch rival Bluto. I can remember almost to the day when baby Swee'Pea came onto the scene.

Now, I have the following questions: Did Olive Oyl get pregnant by Bluto and Popeye protected her and her reputation by raising Swee'Pea as his own son? Did Olive Oyl get pregnant by Popeye? Was Swee'Pea actually Olive Oyl's son or was he adopted even by her? I wonder if the creator of Popeye, Elzie Crisler (E.C.) Segar understood the relevence of his message back in 1919.

Once Swee'Pea grew up, I'm sure he had lots of questions about his biology. I can hear it now as Popeye explained to him "You yam what you yam."

So the message today is, simply put, I yam what I yam! Have a great day!!

My True Feelings

I write in the hopes that my birth mother and birth father will find me! I want to become a well known author so that my face appears on magazines and on television so someone in my birth family will recognize me. They will contact me and welcome me back into the fold with open arms. My birth mother and I will be the best of friends. We will visit each other often and speak on the telephone two or three times a day. My siblings will invite me to their children's events and celebrations. My birth father will apologize profusely for not knowing about my birth. He would have raised me himself. I would have been his princess. He would have been my king. My children will benefit greatly from this newfound relationship with my birth family.

There I've done it! On the most primitive level possible, I've just revealed my deepest and truest feelings.

Birth Fathers

Usually when an adoptee is searching for their biology, they search for the birth mother. We have to remember there is also a birth father out there somewhere. Hopefully the birth mother will be able to reveal that information once she is found.

I often wonder if this is the reason birth mothers sometimes don't want to be found; they don't want to, can't or won't reveal who the birth father is. Again, there is that element of secrecy. As Troy Dunn says at the beginning of his show The Locator; "you can't find peace until you find all of the pieces."

Just as I think birth mothers should be more active in locating the children they give up for adoption, I also think birth fathers (who are aware of the child) should come forth as well.

Step up birth fathers. Reveal Yourselves.

Does She Remember?

My birthday is coming up soon and I wonder now as I do every year: does my mother remember my birthday? I've watched The Locator with Troy Dunn since its' inception. It never ceases to amaze me the number of mothers looking for children they gave up for adoption and they can't give the actual birth date. What! One of the most important days and perhaps the most traumatic incident in your life and you can't remember what day it was? I don't understand, but some days I don't even understand the whole concept of adoption. How a mother can just give her baby away to strangers. People she knows nothing about. Thank God we now have open adoptions. But even with that, how much can the birth mother really learn about the family she is giving her baby to. The adoptive parents have put on their best game faces in order to get that baby. What's behind the mask?

My adoptive parents used to always say "you were chosen." I guess that was supposed to make me feel better. But as I grew older, the visual it gave me was tantamount to looking for an animal in a pet store window. Not exactly an image I like to think about. And what I learned later during my research about adoption was that when a birth mother tells the authorities she wants to relinquish her baby, that baby is then placed in a separate room away from the other babies in the hospital nursery. Isolated. And that about sums up how adoption can make you feel some days. Isolated. A secret. Something to be hidden. Unseen.

So does my mother remember? Does she remember my birth date? Has she tried to find me? Did she love me enough to give me away hoping for a better life for me? Or was she selfish in her decision? Would I have been a burden to her? Would I have ruined her image? I have so many questions. I wonder if I will find her while she can still answer.

Maybe I'm just a sleigh ride away from finding myself.