Puzzled Piece

The universe, the earth, the continents, the states, the cities, the residents, you and me are all pieces of a huge puzzle. The pieces all fit together to form a "more perfect union." That's how God works. He put everything together and together everything forms a magnificent picture. And while I would never question what God does I do question where my piece fits in. I am the puzzled piece. I'm the one who doesn't know where I fit in. I know where others want my piece to fit and I know where others have forced my piece to fit but without the whys and the wherefores, I'm clueless as to my part in that bigger picture.

That's what adoption has done to me, it leaves the maddening noise of magnified emptiness. A noise so loud it dominates all of the space around me. I don't want to sound obsessed by my adoption, but I am obsessed. I can think of other things but those thoughts are all squeezed together to make room for the question "who am I?"

Spiritually I know I have been adopted into the body of Christ. Physically I know I have been adopted into the family that took me in. Mentally I realize none of this. It's not that I don't want to know that I belong somewhere, it's that I feel like a motherless child: a long, long way from home.



An excerpt from Puzzled Piece (projected release date Christmas of 2011)

Copyright©2010 Rosa Elmore Ferguson

Finally

The greatest thing that has happened to me lately is the ability to discuss my feelings about being adopted. Growing up, it was such a secret, everybody knew but me. I love my parents, the parents who adopted me and nurtured me as best they could, but their passing has given me the freedom to finally open up and discuss my feelings. When I finished writing my first two short stories I knew I would have to market them, but never in my life would I have guessed that I would have to expose myself the way I have. It's a different feeling, but a great feeling. I feel free. If I never find my birth mother or anyone in my birth family at least I have found me! I have found my voice! I will continue my discussions about how potential adoptive parents need to discover why they want to adopt before adopting. There needs to be legislation forcing potential adoptive parents to be tested (at least lie detected) to determine the truths about why they want to adopt.

I've said it before and I will say it again, everybody who adopts a child is not doing it for the right reasons. The purest of all reasons would be to give love to a child for whatever reason needs to be loved. But too often, that's not the reason. And the other reasons are plenty: to keep a marriage together, one of the couple can't have children, the martyr syndrome, and the list could go on and on.

I just want people to think before adopting.

The Locator

Okay, yesterday I watched a rerun of The Locator. It's been quite some time since I watched only because it reminds me of my failure to find my birth mother and the fact that she is not looking for me. On this particular episode, the birth mother's newly adopted daughter wanted to find the daughter the birth mother put up for adoption thirty plus years ago. The newly adopted daughter saw the pain her mother was experiencing due to being forced to give her first born up for adoption. She wanted to pay her mother back for taking her in and loving her: finding her first daughter she thought, would help ease her mother's pain. All of that in itself would be a great story and I could stop here, but there is more to it that I want to tell you about.

When Troy Dunn approached the adoptee, she wanted to know "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" All good questions. So it got me thinking, is that why I'm having so much trouble finding my birth mother? Is she wondering "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" No L. Sleigh wherever you are, I don't want anything from you: not money, not a kidney: nothing. I just want to see you, hear your back story and more importantly allow you to see me. I want you to see that I've done okay. I don't have to tell you of the disappointment I suffer daily by not knowing who you are. I don't have to tell you that this adoption has affected and effected everyday of my life. I will spare you from all of the pain being adopted has caused me.

Troy Dunn asked the daughter if it was possible her birth mother just wanted to see her? When he asked that question, it was like a light bulb went on in the daughter's head. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Yeah." So you see L. Sleigh, I just want to see you, nothing more and nothing less.

This Sleigh ride is more like a roller coaster ride.

Random Thoughts

Now that we've celebrated the birth of our country, I can get back to the business at hand: celebrating me. I have nothing new to report. I haven't heard that anyone is searching for me. And to be quite honest, I haven't given much thought to the search process either. Does that mean I may actually be getting over looking for my biology? I won't go that far, but I find myself thinking less about being adopted and more about discovering my future. Maybe I am finally finding myself.

Asking The Hard Questions(?)

You've got some serious issues lying just below the surface -- and they might be exerting more influence than you realize. It's a really good time for you to step up and ask some hard questions! This was my horoscope for today. Not that I allow my horoscope to dictate my life but since I starting reading them when I was around 15 or 16, I continue to do so out of habit. This particular horoscope caught my attention because it said I needed "to step up and ask some hard questions" Okay, so what have I been doing all of this time? Haven't I asked the questions I thought would get me the answers I was looking for? Yet still no answers. So maybe the horoscope is telling me I'm not asking the right people the hard questions. But who is left to ask? By now, my birth mom would be 76 years old, most of the people who may have the answers I need are now deceased and those who are left are not talking.

And just like my horoscope said, there are some issues lying just below the surface: not having the answers! And yes, those unanswered questions are exerting more influence on my life (my mind and my body). Okay, so maybe my horoscope is trying to tell me something. But why can't the horoscope come right out and say what it means. Trying to guess the message is tantamount to trying to find the answers to the questions I was trying to get answered in the first place. Since the horoscope thinks it's so smart, maybe they need to also give me the answers I need!

I'm so ready for this Sleigh ride to come to the end.

LOVED TO DEATH Short Story Series

I didn't start out to become an author. However, because I was an adoptee with a huge imagination with a passion for reading, I became a writer. I read very few books that dealt with my feelings as an adoptee, so I set out to write the type of stories I could relate to. What resulted was the LOVED TO DEATH Short Story Series.

About LOVED TO DEATH Short Story Series:

Something sinister is happening in Gaston City, Indiana. Will Detective Kenneth Nettles solve the mysteries of the city or is he the cause of the problem?

In LOVED TO DEATH: A Different Kind of Love Story, we meet Morosa Denise McKinley, the adoptive daughter of Morrow and Rose McKinley. Was adoption right for this couple or would they have been better off remaining childless?

In the sequel, LOVED TO DEATH: The Truth Unfolds, Detective Kenneth Nettles who helped solve a 2 year long missing person's case in book #1, has more murders on his hands than he cares to deal with.

In the 3rd and final installment of this series, LOVED TO DEATH: The City Speaks, Detective Kenneth Nettles has to face his own fears in order to protect and serve the people of Gaston City, Indiana as he has been sworn to do.

Purchase your copies today where online books are sold: www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com, www.booksamillion.com. You can also purchase autographed copies from me www.rosaferguson.com