Name Chage

On Sunday I changed the name of my blog site to Puzzle Pieces. I had grown weary of writing in a blog that read Just A Sleigh Ride Away (from finding myself). I was finding myself, I just didn't realize it. I thought by searching for my birth mother, I would find out more about myself. What I learned was that it wasn't the search that allowed me to find me, it was the ability to discuss being adopted openly and without fear of hurting some body's feeling. Keeping quiet only served to hurt me.

All of us have opinions about everything, they remind me of pieces of a puzzle. But unless those opinions are given a voice the puzzle will never be complete, questions will never be asked and answers will never be discovered. Today while out and riding I saw a church sign that read "Is life a puzzle? Ask God for the missing piece." That was enough confirmation to let me know I had changed my blog site name to the right one.

All we need to do is ask God, He's the answer to every puzzle.

Poignant Quote!

How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers' names. -Alice Walker

How interesting this quote is to one who is trying to find their roots. L. Sleigh is the only name I know. I sure wish she'd try to find me!

Infant Sleigh

Christmas time is upon us, seemingly with more quickness than in years past. And although I love the season, I don't participate as much as I should. My excuse is because my husband and I give to our children and grandchildren all year long, any gift we would give at Christmas would just be token gifts at best. After spending this year talking about my being adopted to anyone who would listen, I finally feel free enough to take part in some of the festivities. I actually put up a tree and my husband and I are exchanging gifts.

Why didn't I like the Christmas season you are probably asking, could it be that my birth name caused me a certain amount of anxiety during this time of the year. Sleigh...I mean who in the heck has the last name Sleigh? All I think of when I say my birth name is Santa Clause and the reindeer. Well actually that's not all I think of, it takes me back to my birth and subsequent adoption.

I have a picture of myself that appeared in The Chattanooga Observer titled "What's in a Name?" The article was placed in the paper when I as a little girl attended my maternal grandparents anniversary party with my parents. The picture is actually the one you see on my blog. The article was about my being named after both of my grandmothers: Rosa Robinson Thompson and Louise Matthews Elmore. I have worn the names proudly and pray that both grandmothers would be pleased that I brought no disgrace to their names. But I still have to pay homage to my birth name, Sleigh. Afterall that is really who I am.

Have a Merry Merry Christmas! Perhaps the Sleigh ride will end under the Christmas tree this year!

FAITH

Have I become so accustomed to the disappointment of the unsuccessful search for L. Sleigh of South Carolina that I've lost faith that God's will is actually being done? Perhaps it is not His will that I find my birth mother or maybe He has appointed a specific time for me to find her and that time has not come yet? Great is His faithfulness and mercy toward me and I have to remain faith-filled that if my search is fruitful it will only be if God says so.

If I could trust God for the perfect house and the perfect car, shouldn't I trust Him for everything else? Perhaps my motives for wanting to find my birth mother are the reasons I'm not successful in my search. Do I really want to know her or do I want her to know me so she can see what she's missed by not being in my life? Am I being selfish for wanting to know who gave me life? Is it my right as a human to know where I came from? Am I asking too much by wanting to know who I am?

Thanksgiving is a time of reflection and giving thanks. I have so much to be thankful for in fact, I've been incredibly blessed but when I start the reflecting process it brings me back to L. Sleigh of South Carolina.

These are just my thoughts as the Sleigh ride continues.

Finally

The greatest thing that has happened to me lately is the ability to discuss my feelings about being adopted. Growing up, it was such a secret, everybody knew but me. I love my parents, the parents who adopted me and nurtured me as best they could, but their passing has given me the freedom to finally open up and discuss my feelings. When I finished writing my first two short stories I knew I would have to market them, but never in my life would I have guessed that I would have to expose myself the way I have. It's a different feeling, but a great feeling. I feel free. If I never find my birth mother or anyone in my birth family at least I have found me! I have found my voice! I will continue my discussions about how potential adoptive parents need to discover why they want to adopt before adopting. There needs to be legislation forcing potential adoptive parents to be tested (at least lie detected) to determine the truths about why they want to adopt.

I've said it before and I will say it again, everybody who adopts a child is not doing it for the right reasons. The purest of all reasons would be to give love to a child for whatever reason needs to be loved. But too often, that's not the reason. And the other reasons are plenty: to keep a marriage together, one of the couple can't have children, the martyr syndrome, and the list could go on and on.

I just want people to think before adopting.

Are You My Mother?

I've heard women say they've become their mothers. Not surprising since those women had their mothers as role models. So my question is this, is the phenomenon of turning into our mothers an innate action or is it something to be learned? Is the woman I've turned into a replica of my adoptive mother or have I inherited the traits of my biological mother? Or is it possible for me to be a compilation of both women? I remember reading Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman, where the baby bird hatched while the mother bird was away and the baby sets out to find her. Along the way, the baby asks a dog, a cow and an airplane "are you my mother?"

These are the types of questions adoptees have to ask and almost never get an answer to. Sometimes it is up to us to choose what we want to become. Our efforts to become that person sometimes go awry. We sometimes get confused about what we are to become and how to become that person. Things don't always work right in the minds of the adoptees.

I've always dreamed of being a successful wife and mother but I couldn't be a good mother because I never learned to be a good daughter. Children are what they learn. What I learned was that I needed to find my roots so I could embrace what I was meant to be.

Twins??

A Facebook friend of mine just asked me if I was at a particular store at a particular time. She told me she had seen someone who looked like me. I wasn't there, but she said the person looked so much like me, she stopped her and asked the woman if her name was Rosa. She said the woman was polite but told her "no." I've always heard we all have a twin somewhere. Somebody somewhere looks just like us.

If I had been at the store and got the chance to see my "stranger twin" I would've asked her if she was born in the month of May and if she was adopted. In my search for my biology, I have come across several people who say they know someone I resemble. I always ask them if they know if that person is adopted. It's a strange conversation to have but it's the kind of nonsensical banter I've carried on since I was 16.

Trying to find out the facts of my adoption has been one of the hardest things for me to go through. It's like going to the doctor with a medical complaint and the doctor doesn't believe you. I know I have another family out there but because of all the secrecy it's like I never existed. I know it's a strange concept and only another adoptee would know what it feels like.

We've heard of the story where a man and woman work together for years only to find out later they are biological brother and sister. Or the two women worked together and find out they are birth mother and daughter. So it can happen: I could walk up on someone and they could actually be part of my birth family.

All of this is part of the Sleigh Ride...

Back in the Saddle Again!

Labor Day has come and gone and after a long overdue vacation, I'm back and ready to get this show back on the road. No, I didn't go anywhere, just took the liberty of doing absolutely nothing.

One of the things I've learned on this journey has been, the more my adoption was kept a secret, the greater my need was to find out everything I could about myself. Now that I am 41 years into the search, I'm finding out that the need to know is not as great. Don't get me wrong, I'm still anxious to learn everything I can about my biology but it's not the first thing I think about in the morning or the last thing I think about at night. That should be a lesson to adoptive parents, the more information you keep from your adoptive child, the more their curiosity will be piqued.

Find a way to discuss their adoption on a regular basis. No, I'm not talking about in every conversation, but make it an open subject. Let your child feel free to ask questions. And be ready with appropriate answers.

That's my thought for today, what are you thinking about?

Let the Sleigh ride begin again!

An Anchor

Recently, a classmate from a long time ago found me and in our conversations, she told me about a basket "that my great, great, great Grandmother took with her when she and her husband went to Kansas from Indiana in a wagon. Her husband died while they were there. She buried him and came back with her kids and she filled that basket with cookies for the kids on the way back." She told me that she was given the basket and it had become an anchor for her when she was tired or scared. The word "anchor" is just what I'm searching for! Something that will keep me grounded in my time of despair.

That's why finding my birth mother is so important to me. The bond that my birth mother and I shared in utero was completely severed with my adoption and so was my anchor. Finding my birth mother will allow me to know that I actually existed. Yes, I'm here so I know I exist but I exist as Rosa Elmore. I want something that will allow me to celebrate Infant Sleigh and something that will allow me to know that Infant Sleigh actually existed. In case L. Sleigh is having emotional problems about giving me up for adoption maybe knowing she is my anchor will sustain her.

The longer it takes for me to find L. Sleigh, the less time I have. She would be 76 now and I pray she's in good health and will be around long enough for me to locate her. If she has already met her demise, I pray she was able to forgive herself. I have forgiven her but I still have hope. For the time being, hope has become my anchor.

I pray the Sleigh ride ends soon

Hoarding: Buried Alive

I'm watching a TLC show called Hoarding: Buried Alive and as the psychologists talk to the women buried alive by the clutter in their homes, I now realize my mind is cluttered with too much "stuff." Trying to find my birth mother, trying to finish this third short story, trying to go back to school, trying to stay pain free, trying to lose weight... trying, trying, trying. I now know that the things I've never been able to finish were neglected because my mind and my heart were cluttered with a lot of unnecessary junk.

It is okay for us to say "no." We can't please everyone, a lesson I've yet to learn. If you say "yes" to everything and everyone, you have no time left for yourself. That adds to the unnecessary clutter in our lives. Clutter will overtake you if you allow it. And just in case you don't know if your mind is cluttered, think of it this way..if you think of things you need to get done during the day and you spend more time thinking of how to do them than you do getting them done. You've wasted an entire day doing absolutely nothing: that's too much clutter.

The clutter in our minds also take time away from our loved ones. If you spend more time on the job, at church, in night clubs, social clubs, dating, etc. than you spend with family members who are important to you, you are probably leading a cluttered life.

We have to become more cognizant of whom or what we allow in our lives. I heard someone say "be careful who you let rent space in your mind." Now that I know what's cluttering my life, I'm going to rid myself of those things. Perhaps then, the Sleigh ride will end.

The Locator

Okay, yesterday I watched a rerun of The Locator. It's been quite some time since I watched only because it reminds me of my failure to find my birth mother and the fact that she is not looking for me. On this particular episode, the birth mother's newly adopted daughter wanted to find the daughter the birth mother put up for adoption thirty plus years ago. The newly adopted daughter saw the pain her mother was experiencing due to being forced to give her first born up for adoption. She wanted to pay her mother back for taking her in and loving her: finding her first daughter she thought, would help ease her mother's pain. All of that in itself would be a great story and I could stop here, but there is more to it that I want to tell you about.

When Troy Dunn approached the adoptee, she wanted to know "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" All good questions. So it got me thinking, is that why I'm having so much trouble finding my birth mother? Is she wondering "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" No L. Sleigh wherever you are, I don't want anything from you: not money, not a kidney: nothing. I just want to see you, hear your back story and more importantly allow you to see me. I want you to see that I've done okay. I don't have to tell you of the disappointment I suffer daily by not knowing who you are. I don't have to tell you that this adoption has affected and effected everyday of my life. I will spare you from all of the pain being adopted has caused me.

Troy Dunn asked the daughter if it was possible her birth mother just wanted to see her? When he asked that question, it was like a light bulb went on in the daughter's head. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Yeah." So you see L. Sleigh, I just want to see you, nothing more and nothing less.

This Sleigh ride is more like a roller coaster ride.

Random Thoughts

Now that we've celebrated the birth of our country, I can get back to the business at hand: celebrating me. I have nothing new to report. I haven't heard that anyone is searching for me. And to be quite honest, I haven't given much thought to the search process either. Does that mean I may actually be getting over looking for my biology? I won't go that far, but I find myself thinking less about being adopted and more about discovering my future. Maybe I am finally finding myself.

Asking The Hard Questions(?)

You've got some serious issues lying just below the surface -- and they might be exerting more influence than you realize. It's a really good time for you to step up and ask some hard questions! This was my horoscope for today. Not that I allow my horoscope to dictate my life but since I starting reading them when I was around 15 or 16, I continue to do so out of habit. This particular horoscope caught my attention because it said I needed "to step up and ask some hard questions" Okay, so what have I been doing all of this time? Haven't I asked the questions I thought would get me the answers I was looking for? Yet still no answers. So maybe the horoscope is telling me I'm not asking the right people the hard questions. But who is left to ask? By now, my birth mom would be 76 years old, most of the people who may have the answers I need are now deceased and those who are left are not talking.

And just like my horoscope said, there are some issues lying just below the surface: not having the answers! And yes, those unanswered questions are exerting more influence on my life (my mind and my body). Okay, so maybe my horoscope is trying to tell me something. But why can't the horoscope come right out and say what it means. Trying to guess the message is tantamount to trying to find the answers to the questions I was trying to get answered in the first place. Since the horoscope thinks it's so smart, maybe they need to also give me the answers I need!

I'm so ready for this Sleigh ride to come to the end.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all of the fathers out there. R.I.P. Clay C. Elmore, my "real" father. You were such a great daddy. Happy Father's Day to the man who was the reason for my being conceived. With God, our Father... everyday is Happy Father's Day!

I'm Not A Visitor!

I am not a visitor... I'm here to stay! I haven't always felt that way. I think the not knowing about my biology has been tantamount to living out of a suitcase and caused those feelings in me. I have always felt like a throw away; someone who could be bought and sold to the highest bidder. I just recently realized I'm here to stay! I'm learning to accept all of my flaws. I'm learning to accept compliments. I am accepting my talents and learning to do new and different things. I'm learning to accept me!

I've always said I like change, but now I know I liked to keep moving so no one could find me just to give me away again. Perhaps my birth mother has been looking for me all along but because I could never stay in one place for a long period of time, she may have missed me. I'm finally at the point where I can stay still. I'm not going anywhere. I still want to find L. Sleigh, but thank God, I'm finding myself!

Change of Plans

Every year, my husband and I squeeze in as many short road trips as possible. This weekend was no different, as we just got back from Savannah Georgia. We used to try to get to Charleston South Carolina a couple times a year. Because my birth mother is from South Carolina, I always imagine that if I sit in one place for a while, someone will walk by and recognize me. "Oh, you look just like..." are the words I'm longing to hear. Okay, so it hasn't happened yet and I'm tired of raising my expectations. So this weekend, we changed our plans and drove to Atlanta to see some old friends in from Virginia and then on to Savannah to walk along the river and eat some good seafood (before the oil spill damages all of our bodies of water).

Being with friends we hadn't seen in 12 years made me think of how a reunion with my birth mother will be. To hug each other and share experiences with each other: to cry, to laugh, and probably cry some more is how I imagine our first meeting.

We'll go back to Charleston one day, but in the meantime, we'll keep looking for other places to go to enjoy our weekends. Soon, I'll be a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

Remember our fallen. Happy Memorial Day!

Somebody Knows!

Somebody out there knows something about my biology. Perhaps one day they will have the courage to step up and tell me what they know. Maybe someone heard their parents talking about my adoption. Any tidbit would help me in my search. Lord knows, I've chased several wild geese following up on those kinds of leads.

When I see an adoptee on television, speaking of their experience or a birth mother telling us how miserable she has been since giving her baby up for adoption and occasionally even the birth father who knew nothing about the baby until much too late to do anything, I wonder if my birth mother is seeing the same show and thinking about me.

Tomorrow is the day I celebrate the day of my birth and it is always around this time that feelings of deja vu come abounding. I keep seeing things or hearing phrases that remind me of something from a long time ago. Are those my ancestors speaking to me? Are they telling me that it won't be long now before I find out about my biology or are they telling me to move on and just forget about it? I almost feel like putting posters up in every city in America with L. Sleigh's information on it. But wait, I forgot, I don't have L. Sleigh's information. I wonder if she saw a "lost mother" or a "wanted" poster hanging on a telephone pole would she ignore it, be embarassed about it or even recognize herself.

The Lord has blessed me tremendously and continues to shower me with His love, grace and mercy. I'm sure He will reveal my birth information in His time. But note to birthmom, tomorrow is the day you gave birth to me. Will you please scream Happy Birthday to me as loud as you can so I can hear it? Just introduce yourself. I don't want anything from you. I just want to see you, hear your voice, ask a couple questions about your health. But if you were to open up to me... I'd like to have a friendship with you, learn all I could about you. Come on L. Sleigh, you're out there somewhere. How about it?

The best birthday present I could have would be the gift of my birth mom! Maybe my Sleigh ride will end tomorrow! It could happen!

Underlying Issues

Like I've said before, I think adoptees have more medical issues than "normal" people. And because we have no way to verify conditions that could be inherited, we end up going from doctor to doctor trying to find out what is wrong. I have suffered from Fibromyalgia for about 20 years. At first no one knew what it was. Some doctors wanted to call it Chronic Pain Syndrome, others wanted to call it Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and finally one of my doctors diagnosed it as Fibromyalgia. The medication designed to help with the pain causes me swelling and suicidal thoughts (find out about the side effects of the medications you take). So I'm in a catch 22 so to speak.

Cold weather and rain are two of the things that cause my Fibromyalgia to flair up. Stress is another one of those things that causes major flair ups. You've heard people say that they can tell when it's going to rain because their arthritis rears its' ugly head, Fibromyalgia does the same thing. The stress of trying to find my biology has increased the time I have to spend fighting the pain of Fibromyalgia.

I also have Vitiligo (loss of pigment). Yes, the same thing Michael Jackson had. My skin is void of color. Information about Vitiligo is slowly being learned. Stress, digestive issues and heredity are some of the causes of Vitiligo. There again, because I don't have any information about my biology, I have to blame it on stress or digestive issues. It basically boils down to the stress of finding my birth mother.

Being adopted affects more than your heart and your head, it has an effect on your body. The not knowing takes its' toll on the adoptee in a lot of different ways.

Dear Lord, let me be just a Sleigh ride away from getting the answers I need

Unfinished Business

I have been threatening for years to go back to school and complete my degree to no avail. I keep going back to school and for one reason or another, and I never finish. That's been the story of my life. Unfinished business. I start something, I stop. I start something else, I stop. This has gone on and on and on forever. I think it has something to do with me being adopted. Because I can't find my genealogy, I think I have a mental block about the rest of my life.

Of course, no one but me cares if I back to school or not, so when I say I've been threatening, it's only myself I'm hurting. How do I equate my unfinished business with being adopted? First of all, I blame everything on my being adopted. But I think it's because my life has been such a lie I'm afraid of finality.

Now I have been able to complete some things. For instance, I raised 2 sets of twins. I wrote and published two short stories. And I guess if I thought long and hard enough about it, I'd find some other accomplishments I've achieved. Yet those accomplishments have never been enough to sustain me. Finding myself is what will keep me going, moving toward a goal.

Okay, now I've decided to go back to school! I've said it publicly. I'm committed. Perhaps I am finding myself now. Maybe it won't take finding my birth mother for me to move forward. Maybe I am now just a Sleigh ride from finding me!

Yesterday Part of My Dream Died

I spent part of my childhood praying that one day I would find out that the incredible Lena Horne was my birth mother. Once I got my non-identifying information from the state of Indiana, I was able to rule that possibility out as my birth mother was about 20 years younger than Ms. Horne. But that didn't stop me from praying that a miracle would occur and Lena Horne would come bursting through my front door and declare her undying love for me and beg for my forgiveness for abandoning me.

Lena Horne once said "After I got over the terrible pain of having something of mine taken from me, I began to think how bad everybody else must be feeling. It wasn't a nice time." When I read that statement, I just knew she was talking about me. Maybe I was taken from her. Maybe she lost me through no fault of her own. She gave me hope that my birth mother would find me some day, some way, some how.

As we just celebrated Mother's Day, I grieved for the 2 mothers I had lost; my birth mom and my adoptive mother. And upon waking Monday morning, I found out that I had lost my 3rd mother, my pretend mother. R.I.P. Lena Horne. You still give me hope, the hope that I'm just a Sleigh ride from finding myself.