Poignant Quote!

How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers' names. -Alice Walker

How interesting this quote is to one who is trying to find their roots. L. Sleigh is the only name I know. I sure wish she'd try to find me!

Fear

We now know that the bonding between a birth mother and the adoptee starts in utero and once the umbilical cord is cut that bonding is severed. It's hard for an adoptee to bond with the adoptive parents: not impossible, but it takes hard work to make it work. Okay, the thought I had is what if the adoptive parents find it hard to bond with the adoptee because of the fear that the child could be removed from their care?

We see television shows where the birth mother has come back at the last possible minute to reclaim the child she just tried to relinquish. Now will that birth mother be a good mother? How can someone who just a few minutes ago didn't want a baby or thought they couldn't take care of it or whatever reason suddenly think keeping the baby will change things. I can see why adoptive parents are a little standoffish with this new family member; fear.

It kind of allows me to see things a little differently. Just random thoughts, but those thoughts are what keeps the Sleigh ride's motor running.

FAITH

Have I become so accustomed to the disappointment of the unsuccessful search for L. Sleigh of South Carolina that I've lost faith that God's will is actually being done? Perhaps it is not His will that I find my birth mother or maybe He has appointed a specific time for me to find her and that time has not come yet? Great is His faithfulness and mercy toward me and I have to remain faith-filled that if my search is fruitful it will only be if God says so.

If I could trust God for the perfect house and the perfect car, shouldn't I trust Him for everything else? Perhaps my motives for wanting to find my birth mother are the reasons I'm not successful in my search. Do I really want to know her or do I want her to know me so she can see what she's missed by not being in my life? Am I being selfish for wanting to know who gave me life? Is it my right as a human to know where I came from? Am I asking too much by wanting to know who I am?

Thanksgiving is a time of reflection and giving thanks. I have so much to be thankful for in fact, I've been incredibly blessed but when I start the reflecting process it brings me back to L. Sleigh of South Carolina.

These are just my thoughts as the Sleigh ride continues.

Rules and Regulations

I'm watching an episode of Dateline and a mother who's daughter was raped and murdered is fighting to have people who have been convicted of a sexual crime give DNA on a regular basis. The reason being, is that the DNA would be on file to check against when a crime has been committed that the police are having trouble solving. Great idea! But let's take it a little further, a mother that chooses to give her baby up for adoption should be required by law to give updated medical information every so many years. Then an adoptee who is having hard to diagnose medical issues could look to the updated medical files to get pertinent information. I'm sure there are other groups of people who need information for different reasons just like I do.

Just think, a mother can make the decision to give up a baby and walk away scott free.. live a life uninterrupted. Sure she has to live with her decision but there are no legal repercussions for her to deal with. Actually, giving up a baby for adoption without leaving some kind of information for later use should be deemed a crime. Yes, I said it and I mean it. It should be a crime to be able to get married, have other children and live happily ever after, while the adoptee goes through a myriad of emotions and feelings created by being given away. Okay, so she thinks about me from time to time, she may even remember my birthday, but she goes on and lives her happy little life after she has me and can reach out to me if she chooses. Something just seems wrong about that concept.

I know there are those of you who will bring up the fact that she may have been forced to give me up or she may have been raped and all that but she is still my birth mother and she owes me something: an explanation, an apology, a hello, a kiss my .... well you know what I'm saying. Okay L. Sleigh from South Carolina it's your turn!

Glee

I watched Glee last night for the first time ever and there was a mother on the show trying to make contact with the daughter she had given up for adoption. What a great day it would be if my birth mom decided to look for me! But I think I'm coming to the conclusion that she was told I was stillborn at birth. I just can't imagine that all of these years have gone by and she hasn't tried to reach out to me.

I've given birth to four children and although we don't speak to each other everyday, I cannot imagine my life without them. Of course, there were days that I wanted to give them up for adoption while they were growing up, but it was a passing thought. It was nothing I would ever act on. I realize there are times when adoption is the best option. But once the mother is old enough that those barriers no longer exist, then she should start looking for the son or daughter she felt forced to relinquish.

There are too many search registries, too many television shows, too many headlines to remind a birth mother of that time. Surely, she has had to think about me. If I had ever been forced to give up a baby for adoption, as soon as I knew that child was 18 years of age, I'd be on the hunt of my life. But that's just me. Perhaps my birth mom has a heart of stone.

Maybe I'll never know... so the Sleigh ride continues.

An Anchor

Recently, a classmate from a long time ago found me and in our conversations, she told me about a basket "that my great, great, great Grandmother took with her when she and her husband went to Kansas from Indiana in a wagon. Her husband died while they were there. She buried him and came back with her kids and she filled that basket with cookies for the kids on the way back." She told me that she was given the basket and it had become an anchor for her when she was tired or scared. The word "anchor" is just what I'm searching for! Something that will keep me grounded in my time of despair.

That's why finding my birth mother is so important to me. The bond that my birth mother and I shared in utero was completely severed with my adoption and so was my anchor. Finding my birth mother will allow me to know that I actually existed. Yes, I'm here so I know I exist but I exist as Rosa Elmore. I want something that will allow me to celebrate Infant Sleigh and something that will allow me to know that Infant Sleigh actually existed. In case L. Sleigh is having emotional problems about giving me up for adoption maybe knowing she is my anchor will sustain her.

The longer it takes for me to find L. Sleigh, the less time I have. She would be 76 now and I pray she's in good health and will be around long enough for me to locate her. If she has already met her demise, I pray she was able to forgive herself. I have forgiven her but I still have hope. For the time being, hope has become my anchor.

I pray the Sleigh ride ends soon

Hoarding: Buried Alive

I'm watching a TLC show called Hoarding: Buried Alive and as the psychologists talk to the women buried alive by the clutter in their homes, I now realize my mind is cluttered with too much "stuff." Trying to find my birth mother, trying to finish this third short story, trying to go back to school, trying to stay pain free, trying to lose weight... trying, trying, trying. I now know that the things I've never been able to finish were neglected because my mind and my heart were cluttered with a lot of unnecessary junk.

It is okay for us to say "no." We can't please everyone, a lesson I've yet to learn. If you say "yes" to everything and everyone, you have no time left for yourself. That adds to the unnecessary clutter in our lives. Clutter will overtake you if you allow it. And just in case you don't know if your mind is cluttered, think of it this way..if you think of things you need to get done during the day and you spend more time thinking of how to do them than you do getting them done. You've wasted an entire day doing absolutely nothing: that's too much clutter.

The clutter in our minds also take time away from our loved ones. If you spend more time on the job, at church, in night clubs, social clubs, dating, etc. than you spend with family members who are important to you, you are probably leading a cluttered life.

We have to become more cognizant of whom or what we allow in our lives. I heard someone say "be careful who you let rent space in your mind." Now that I know what's cluttering my life, I'm going to rid myself of those things. Perhaps then, the Sleigh ride will end.

The Locator

Okay, yesterday I watched a rerun of The Locator. It's been quite some time since I watched only because it reminds me of my failure to find my birth mother and the fact that she is not looking for me. On this particular episode, the birth mother's newly adopted daughter wanted to find the daughter the birth mother put up for adoption thirty plus years ago. The newly adopted daughter saw the pain her mother was experiencing due to being forced to give her first born up for adoption. She wanted to pay her mother back for taking her in and loving her: finding her first daughter she thought, would help ease her mother's pain. All of that in itself would be a great story and I could stop here, but there is more to it that I want to tell you about.

When Troy Dunn approached the adoptee, she wanted to know "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" All good questions. So it got me thinking, is that why I'm having so much trouble finding my birth mother? Is she wondering "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" No L. Sleigh wherever you are, I don't want anything from you: not money, not a kidney: nothing. I just want to see you, hear your back story and more importantly allow you to see me. I want you to see that I've done okay. I don't have to tell you of the disappointment I suffer daily by not knowing who you are. I don't have to tell you that this adoption has affected and effected everyday of my life. I will spare you from all of the pain being adopted has caused me.

Troy Dunn asked the daughter if it was possible her birth mother just wanted to see her? When he asked that question, it was like a light bulb went on in the daughter's head. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Yeah." So you see L. Sleigh, I just want to see you, nothing more and nothing less.

This Sleigh ride is more like a roller coaster ride.

Random Thoughts

Now that we've celebrated the birth of our country, I can get back to the business at hand: celebrating me. I have nothing new to report. I haven't heard that anyone is searching for me. And to be quite honest, I haven't given much thought to the search process either. Does that mean I may actually be getting over looking for my biology? I won't go that far, but I find myself thinking less about being adopted and more about discovering my future. Maybe I am finally finding myself.

Asking The Hard Questions(?)

You've got some serious issues lying just below the surface -- and they might be exerting more influence than you realize. It's a really good time for you to step up and ask some hard questions! This was my horoscope for today. Not that I allow my horoscope to dictate my life but since I starting reading them when I was around 15 or 16, I continue to do so out of habit. This particular horoscope caught my attention because it said I needed "to step up and ask some hard questions" Okay, so what have I been doing all of this time? Haven't I asked the questions I thought would get me the answers I was looking for? Yet still no answers. So maybe the horoscope is telling me I'm not asking the right people the hard questions. But who is left to ask? By now, my birth mom would be 76 years old, most of the people who may have the answers I need are now deceased and those who are left are not talking.

And just like my horoscope said, there are some issues lying just below the surface: not having the answers! And yes, those unanswered questions are exerting more influence on my life (my mind and my body). Okay, so maybe my horoscope is trying to tell me something. But why can't the horoscope come right out and say what it means. Trying to guess the message is tantamount to trying to find the answers to the questions I was trying to get answered in the first place. Since the horoscope thinks it's so smart, maybe they need to also give me the answers I need!

I'm so ready for this Sleigh ride to come to the end.

I'm Not A Visitor!

I am not a visitor... I'm here to stay! I haven't always felt that way. I think the not knowing about my biology has been tantamount to living out of a suitcase and caused those feelings in me. I have always felt like a throw away; someone who could be bought and sold to the highest bidder. I just recently realized I'm here to stay! I'm learning to accept all of my flaws. I'm learning to accept compliments. I am accepting my talents and learning to do new and different things. I'm learning to accept me!

I've always said I like change, but now I know I liked to keep moving so no one could find me just to give me away again. Perhaps my birth mother has been looking for me all along but because I could never stay in one place for a long period of time, she may have missed me. I'm finally at the point where I can stay still. I'm not going anywhere. I still want to find L. Sleigh, but thank God, I'm finding myself!

Mother and Daughter

Okay, I'm watching People's Court and an adoptee is suing her birth mother because of a fist fight! What! I'm used to watching shows where adoptees meet their birth mothers and although we don't know the outcome, what we see is usually amicable.

These two are a mess and both should be on some kind of medication. This birth mother told her daughter's boyfriend that the daugter was cheating on him with her ex boyfriend. What mother does this? The birth mother says that the daughter has problems but clearly both of them should seek some counseling and maybe some medication.

The birth mother is now telling the court that the daughter is on drugs in the same breath as telling how happy she was when they first met. The daughter is showing the court the tee shirt that the BM ripped off of her and left a long scratch. What drama! The BM went into the grandson's room and took back everything she bought the baby! The BM cut up the pictures of the daughter and the grandson. I am sitting in amazement at the behavior these 2 are displaying. But guess what, this is real life. Every reunion is not successful

The birth mother abandoned her daughter at birth and is now abandoning her again as an adult. I want to meet my birth mother but I sure don't want the kind of relationship these two have. It is my prayer that my BM and I can have some sort of relationship but if we can't, at least I hope we can both walk away satisfied that we've at least met. I just want the opportunity to meet her, hopefully sans the drama!

Maybe soon I'll be able to take that Sleigh ride.