Health As Related To Adoption

We've all heard about the "twin thing" where identical twins feel each other's pains and emotions. We've even heard about it happening with mothers and daughters and fathers and sons. So my question is this: does my birth mother feel my emotions and my pain? Could the times I've been at my lowest ebb been as a result of me feeling my birth mother's pain or my birth father's emotions. I've given a lot of thought to feelings and pains in the last few weeks because of some medical issues I'm dealing with. If only I could be made aware of the medical history of my birth mother or father, perhaps some of my issues could be prevented.

I saw a television show the other day where the baby was taken from the birth mom because the mother was sixteen years old. That I can understand but my birth mother was 19 when she had me. An adult. Someone who could've made decisions for herself. Had she wanted me she could've kept me and raised me on her own. These thoughts are the ones that cause me the most pain. Pain and negative emotions affect and effect our health. The altered state that is created by removing a child from its' biological root causes negativity and negativity causes our bodies to react in ways our minds can't comprehend and vice versa: our minds can't always identify what the body is telling it and thus, illnesses are formed.

My prayer is that the next birth mom who gets pregnant and decides that for whatever reason that she doesn't want, can't keep or shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place, decides to give her child away to possible complete strangers, she will think about the effect she has had on her child's future health.

Think about it L. Sleigh as I go to surgery next week.

Perhaps I'm a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

Undying Love/Undying Gratitude

There was a time that talking about being adopted was taboo. Now that my adoptive mother and father are deceased I talk about being adopted to whatever audience I can find. An older lady who knew my mother and father, upon hearing that I was looking for my birth mother, called me and told me "your mother and father loved you much". Okay, and???? Was that supposed to mean that I had no rights to my past? Searching for my biology doesn't repudiate their love for me nor mine for them. It simply means I am one of those who wants to know where I came from.

I understand those who don't want to know and wholeheartedly applaude them. I pray for the time when knowing my birth mother no longer matters to me. But right now, I have the need to know. When I talk to you about finding my biology please don't give me reasons why I shouldn't. You can tell me you don't want to have that conversation with me but don't nullify my feelings by trying to explain them away. The one thing that sticks in my crawl and just won't seem to let go is somebody trying to clarify (to me) what I'm saying. I don't need you to rationalize, analyze, or translate anything. If you can help me resolve the need by giving me information about my biology then please feel free to do so. But I will no longer stay silent, closemouthed or unheard about my feelings.

Yes I am grateful to Clay C. and Irene (Thompson) Elmore for adopting me. I love them and I felt the love they had for me. I owe them a debt of gratitude for adopting me and giving me the best life they knew how to give. However, that love and gratitude won't let me forgive them for not getting more information about how I came to be in order to enlighten me if/when the time came.

Adoptive parents, yes and that includes those who think they will never have issues with their children, get the information for your child(ren). If you never need it..fine but if/when you do, you'll have it handy and may be able to save yourselves the heartache of having a child who may never be able to forgive you.

The Real Truths Revealed

Up until now I've tried to be as politically correct as I can be in sharing my feelings. But in order to tell how I have been impacted by adoption, I have to dig deep. Some people who read my feelings won't agree with me, but please remember these are MY thoughts.

Let's get started. If my adoptive mother had her way, everyone she knew would have adopted a baby. And just about everyone she knew did indeed adopt. She had a friend in Indianapolis who kept her up to date on babies that had been relinquished. Now I don't know how my mother knew so many people who wanted to adopt or if she was browbeating her friends into taking this "unwanted" children. But everywhere I turned in Muncie, someone had been adopted by one of my mother and father's friends.

If we take a look at the dynamics of the above paragraph, wouldn't it stand to reason that my mother would have/should have known more about where I came from. I have to think she did know. But when she died whatever information she had, she took it with her. Am I angry? Heck to the yeah I'm angry...in fact, I'm downright mad!

Come on adoptive parents, tell the truth. Tell the children you vowed to take care of the truth. Their future depends on it.

Poignant Quote!

How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers' names. -Alice Walker

How interesting this quote is to one who is trying to find their roots. L. Sleigh is the only name I know. I sure wish she'd try to find me!

Puzzled Piece Adult Adoptee Questionnaire

We are looking for adult adoptees willing to answer a confidential questionnaire. Your answers will be featured as an interview on Just A Sleigh Ride Away blog. Email me if interested rosa@rosaferguson.com. And thanks in advance for your help with this project!

Infant Sleigh

Christmas time is upon us, seemingly with more quickness than in years past. And although I love the season, I don't participate as much as I should. My excuse is because my husband and I give to our children and grandchildren all year long, any gift we would give at Christmas would just be token gifts at best. After spending this year talking about my being adopted to anyone who would listen, I finally feel free enough to take part in some of the festivities. I actually put up a tree and my husband and I are exchanging gifts.

Why didn't I like the Christmas season you are probably asking, could it be that my birth name caused me a certain amount of anxiety during this time of the year. Sleigh...I mean who in the heck has the last name Sleigh? All I think of when I say my birth name is Santa Clause and the reindeer. Well actually that's not all I think of, it takes me back to my birth and subsequent adoption.

I have a picture of myself that appeared in The Chattanooga Observer titled "What's in a Name?" The article was placed in the paper when I as a little girl attended my maternal grandparents anniversary party with my parents. The picture is actually the one you see on my blog. The article was about my being named after both of my grandmothers: Rosa Robinson Thompson and Louise Matthews Elmore. I have worn the names proudly and pray that both grandmothers would be pleased that I brought no disgrace to their names. But I still have to pay homage to my birth name, Sleigh. Afterall that is really who I am.

Have a Merry Merry Christmas! Perhaps the Sleigh ride will end under the Christmas tree this year!

Fear

We now know that the bonding between a birth mother and the adoptee starts in utero and once the umbilical cord is cut that bonding is severed. It's hard for an adoptee to bond with the adoptive parents: not impossible, but it takes hard work to make it work. Okay, the thought I had is what if the adoptive parents find it hard to bond with the adoptee because of the fear that the child could be removed from their care?

We see television shows where the birth mother has come back at the last possible minute to reclaim the child she just tried to relinquish. Now will that birth mother be a good mother? How can someone who just a few minutes ago didn't want a baby or thought they couldn't take care of it or whatever reason suddenly think keeping the baby will change things. I can see why adoptive parents are a little standoffish with this new family member; fear.

It kind of allows me to see things a little differently. Just random thoughts, but those thoughts are what keeps the Sleigh ride's motor running.

FAITH

Have I become so accustomed to the disappointment of the unsuccessful search for L. Sleigh of South Carolina that I've lost faith that God's will is actually being done? Perhaps it is not His will that I find my birth mother or maybe He has appointed a specific time for me to find her and that time has not come yet? Great is His faithfulness and mercy toward me and I have to remain faith-filled that if my search is fruitful it will only be if God says so.

If I could trust God for the perfect house and the perfect car, shouldn't I trust Him for everything else? Perhaps my motives for wanting to find my birth mother are the reasons I'm not successful in my search. Do I really want to know her or do I want her to know me so she can see what she's missed by not being in my life? Am I being selfish for wanting to know who gave me life? Is it my right as a human to know where I came from? Am I asking too much by wanting to know who I am?

Thanksgiving is a time of reflection and giving thanks. I have so much to be thankful for in fact, I've been incredibly blessed but when I start the reflecting process it brings me back to L. Sleigh of South Carolina.

These are just my thoughts as the Sleigh ride continues.

Invisible

Adoptees are not invisible! Okay, now you're asking yourself "what is she talking about now?" Well, I'll tell you. When I was a little girl, I remember people talking about me in front of me like I wasn't there, like they couldn't see me. Better yet, like I was less than human because of my "circumstances." Through no fault of my own and for reasons I don't understand, I was conceived, born and given away. Everyone who knew about my being adopted would speak to my Mother and Father about me like they had gone to the store and bought a chicken to cook. Although vaguely, I remember phrases like, "where did you get her?" "is she from Muncie?" "how old was she when you got her?" "do you know anything about her?" etc. Can you imagine hearing grown folks who are supposed to know better or at least know how to use tact in front of a child asking questions about me like I didn't exist? I now know why I have feelings of not belonging, no one would allow me to belong. I was an outcast simply because I was born.

I so want to get off of the Sleigh ride, but it keeps going, going, going and won't release me

Rules and Regulations

I'm watching an episode of Dateline and a mother who's daughter was raped and murdered is fighting to have people who have been convicted of a sexual crime give DNA on a regular basis. The reason being, is that the DNA would be on file to check against when a crime has been committed that the police are having trouble solving. Great idea! But let's take it a little further, a mother that chooses to give her baby up for adoption should be required by law to give updated medical information every so many years. Then an adoptee who is having hard to diagnose medical issues could look to the updated medical files to get pertinent information. I'm sure there are other groups of people who need information for different reasons just like I do.

Just think, a mother can make the decision to give up a baby and walk away scott free.. live a life uninterrupted. Sure she has to live with her decision but there are no legal repercussions for her to deal with. Actually, giving up a baby for adoption without leaving some kind of information for later use should be deemed a crime. Yes, I said it and I mean it. It should be a crime to be able to get married, have other children and live happily ever after, while the adoptee goes through a myriad of emotions and feelings created by being given away. Okay, so she thinks about me from time to time, she may even remember my birthday, but she goes on and lives her happy little life after she has me and can reach out to me if she chooses. Something just seems wrong about that concept.

I know there are those of you who will bring up the fact that she may have been forced to give me up or she may have been raped and all that but she is still my birth mother and she owes me something: an explanation, an apology, a hello, a kiss my .... well you know what I'm saying. Okay L. Sleigh from South Carolina it's your turn!

Puzzled Piece

The universe, the earth, the continents, the states, the cities, the residents, you and me are all pieces of a huge puzzle. The pieces all fit together to form a "more perfect union." That's how God works. He put everything together and together everything forms a magnificent picture. And while I would never question what God does I do question where my piece fits in. I am the puzzled piece. I'm the one who doesn't know where I fit in. I know where others want my piece to fit and I know where others have forced my piece to fit but without the whys and the wherefores, I'm clueless as to my part in that bigger picture.

That's what adoption has done to me, it leaves the maddening noise of magnified emptiness. A noise so loud it dominates all of the space around me. I don't want to sound obsessed by my adoption, but I am obsessed. I can think of other things but those thoughts are all squeezed together to make room for the question "who am I?"

Spiritually I know I have been adopted into the body of Christ. Physically I know I have been adopted into the family that took me in. Mentally I realize none of this. It's not that I don't want to know that I belong somewhere, it's that I feel like a motherless child: a long, long way from home.



An excerpt from Puzzled Piece (projected release date Christmas of 2011)

Copyright©2010 Rosa Elmore Ferguson

Finally

The greatest thing that has happened to me lately is the ability to discuss my feelings about being adopted. Growing up, it was such a secret, everybody knew but me. I love my parents, the parents who adopted me and nurtured me as best they could, but their passing has given me the freedom to finally open up and discuss my feelings. When I finished writing my first two short stories I knew I would have to market them, but never in my life would I have guessed that I would have to expose myself the way I have. It's a different feeling, but a great feeling. I feel free. If I never find my birth mother or anyone in my birth family at least I have found me! I have found my voice! I will continue my discussions about how potential adoptive parents need to discover why they want to adopt before adopting. There needs to be legislation forcing potential adoptive parents to be tested (at least lie detected) to determine the truths about why they want to adopt.

I've said it before and I will say it again, everybody who adopts a child is not doing it for the right reasons. The purest of all reasons would be to give love to a child for whatever reason needs to be loved. But too often, that's not the reason. And the other reasons are plenty: to keep a marriage together, one of the couple can't have children, the martyr syndrome, and the list could go on and on.

I just want people to think before adopting.

Are You My Mother?

I've heard women say they've become their mothers. Not surprising since those women had their mothers as role models. So my question is this, is the phenomenon of turning into our mothers an innate action or is it something to be learned? Is the woman I've turned into a replica of my adoptive mother or have I inherited the traits of my biological mother? Or is it possible for me to be a compilation of both women? I remember reading Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman, where the baby bird hatched while the mother bird was away and the baby sets out to find her. Along the way, the baby asks a dog, a cow and an airplane "are you my mother?"

These are the types of questions adoptees have to ask and almost never get an answer to. Sometimes it is up to us to choose what we want to become. Our efforts to become that person sometimes go awry. We sometimes get confused about what we are to become and how to become that person. Things don't always work right in the minds of the adoptees.

I've always dreamed of being a successful wife and mother but I couldn't be a good mother because I never learned to be a good daughter. Children are what they learn. What I learned was that I needed to find my roots so I could embrace what I was meant to be.

Twins??

A Facebook friend of mine just asked me if I was at a particular store at a particular time. She told me she had seen someone who looked like me. I wasn't there, but she said the person looked so much like me, she stopped her and asked the woman if her name was Rosa. She said the woman was polite but told her "no." I've always heard we all have a twin somewhere. Somebody somewhere looks just like us.

If I had been at the store and got the chance to see my "stranger twin" I would've asked her if she was born in the month of May and if she was adopted. In my search for my biology, I have come across several people who say they know someone I resemble. I always ask them if they know if that person is adopted. It's a strange conversation to have but it's the kind of nonsensical banter I've carried on since I was 16.

Trying to find out the facts of my adoption has been one of the hardest things for me to go through. It's like going to the doctor with a medical complaint and the doctor doesn't believe you. I know I have another family out there but because of all the secrecy it's like I never existed. I know it's a strange concept and only another adoptee would know what it feels like.

We've heard of the story where a man and woman work together for years only to find out later they are biological brother and sister. Or the two women worked together and find out they are birth mother and daughter. So it can happen: I could walk up on someone and they could actually be part of my birth family.

All of this is part of the Sleigh Ride...

Glee

I watched Glee last night for the first time ever and there was a mother on the show trying to make contact with the daughter she had given up for adoption. What a great day it would be if my birth mom decided to look for me! But I think I'm coming to the conclusion that she was told I was stillborn at birth. I just can't imagine that all of these years have gone by and she hasn't tried to reach out to me.

I've given birth to four children and although we don't speak to each other everyday, I cannot imagine my life without them. Of course, there were days that I wanted to give them up for adoption while they were growing up, but it was a passing thought. It was nothing I would ever act on. I realize there are times when adoption is the best option. But once the mother is old enough that those barriers no longer exist, then she should start looking for the son or daughter she felt forced to relinquish.

There are too many search registries, too many television shows, too many headlines to remind a birth mother of that time. Surely, she has had to think about me. If I had ever been forced to give up a baby for adoption, as soon as I knew that child was 18 years of age, I'd be on the hunt of my life. But that's just me. Perhaps my birth mom has a heart of stone.

Maybe I'll never know... so the Sleigh ride continues.

Back in the Saddle Again!

Labor Day has come and gone and after a long overdue vacation, I'm back and ready to get this show back on the road. No, I didn't go anywhere, just took the liberty of doing absolutely nothing.

One of the things I've learned on this journey has been, the more my adoption was kept a secret, the greater my need was to find out everything I could about myself. Now that I am 41 years into the search, I'm finding out that the need to know is not as great. Don't get me wrong, I'm still anxious to learn everything I can about my biology but it's not the first thing I think about in the morning or the last thing I think about at night. That should be a lesson to adoptive parents, the more information you keep from your adoptive child, the more their curiosity will be piqued.

Find a way to discuss their adoption on a regular basis. No, I'm not talking about in every conversation, but make it an open subject. Let your child feel free to ask questions. And be ready with appropriate answers.

That's my thought for today, what are you thinking about?

Let the Sleigh ride begin again!

Hiatus

As you may have noticed, I've been on a hiatus from posting blogs. Simply put, so much is happening right now, I just haven't had time to post anything. Those medical issues that I believe are a result of me not knowing my biology keep creeping up and seems like the older I get the harder those conditions hit me. The longer it takes to find my biology, the chances increase that my birth mother could be deceased, along with the people who know anything about my adoption so my health issues may linger for a while.

But the good news is that God sent an angel who is working tirelessly to find something about my ancestry. Perhaps soon, I'll know something about who I am. Thanks Beth!

In the meantime, I'm still praying that the Sleigh ride will lead me to the answers I'm looking for.

An Anchor

Recently, a classmate from a long time ago found me and in our conversations, she told me about a basket "that my great, great, great Grandmother took with her when she and her husband went to Kansas from Indiana in a wagon. Her husband died while they were there. She buried him and came back with her kids and she filled that basket with cookies for the kids on the way back." She told me that she was given the basket and it had become an anchor for her when she was tired or scared. The word "anchor" is just what I'm searching for! Something that will keep me grounded in my time of despair.

That's why finding my birth mother is so important to me. The bond that my birth mother and I shared in utero was completely severed with my adoption and so was my anchor. Finding my birth mother will allow me to know that I actually existed. Yes, I'm here so I know I exist but I exist as Rosa Elmore. I want something that will allow me to celebrate Infant Sleigh and something that will allow me to know that Infant Sleigh actually existed. In case L. Sleigh is having emotional problems about giving me up for adoption maybe knowing she is my anchor will sustain her.

The longer it takes for me to find L. Sleigh, the less time I have. She would be 76 now and I pray she's in good health and will be around long enough for me to locate her. If she has already met her demise, I pray she was able to forgive herself. I have forgiven her but I still have hope. For the time being, hope has become my anchor.

I pray the Sleigh ride ends soon

The Locator

Okay, yesterday I watched a rerun of The Locator. It's been quite some time since I watched only because it reminds me of my failure to find my birth mother and the fact that she is not looking for me. On this particular episode, the birth mother's newly adopted daughter wanted to find the daughter the birth mother put up for adoption thirty plus years ago. The newly adopted daughter saw the pain her mother was experiencing due to being forced to give her first born up for adoption. She wanted to pay her mother back for taking her in and loving her: finding her first daughter she thought, would help ease her mother's pain. All of that in itself would be a great story and I could stop here, but there is more to it that I want to tell you about.

When Troy Dunn approached the adoptee, she wanted to know "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" All good questions. So it got me thinking, is that why I'm having so much trouble finding my birth mother? Is she wondering "why now?" "What does she want?" "Does she want a kidney or something?" No L. Sleigh wherever you are, I don't want anything from you: not money, not a kidney: nothing. I just want to see you, hear your back story and more importantly allow you to see me. I want you to see that I've done okay. I don't have to tell you of the disappointment I suffer daily by not knowing who you are. I don't have to tell you that this adoption has affected and effected everyday of my life. I will spare you from all of the pain being adopted has caused me.

Troy Dunn asked the daughter if it was possible her birth mother just wanted to see her? When he asked that question, it was like a light bulb went on in the daughter's head. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Yeah." So you see L. Sleigh, I just want to see you, nothing more and nothing less.

This Sleigh ride is more like a roller coaster ride.

Random Thoughts

Now that we've celebrated the birth of our country, I can get back to the business at hand: celebrating me. I have nothing new to report. I haven't heard that anyone is searching for me. And to be quite honest, I haven't given much thought to the search process either. Does that mean I may actually be getting over looking for my biology? I won't go that far, but I find myself thinking less about being adopted and more about discovering my future. Maybe I am finally finding myself.