Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It Has To Be Talked About

This is a hard subject to talk about because you don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt people's feelings, but why people adopt is a question that must be answered. If you were to ask an adoptive family why they chose adoption the most common answer would be "we couldn't have children and wanted a child to love." Okay, that's a good answer and for the most part it's an honest one. But let's look at the other reasons people choose adoption.

There is the couple who has had trouble getting pregnant. They adopt because they really and truly want a child to love. But what happens when they become pregnant? Some love both children equally. Others... well, they don't. They sometimes treat the biological child better and differently than the adopted child.

Then there is the couple who can't have children of their own. They want a baby by any means necessary. That's commendable and to those parents I take my hat off to.

You have the person(s) who adopt to imitate someone else who has adopted. They see the other person as a martyr and want the accolades that person has enjoyed. Imitation is a form of flattery but perhaps adopting a child to be like someone else goes a bit overboard.

There are couples who want to adopt because their marriage is in trouble and one or both of them think a baby will be the glue to hold the marriage together.

Some potential adoptive parents think their community or society in general will look at them in a new, different and better light. That probably goes back to the martyr issue.

Then you have those who want to adopt to make up for a lack of relationship with their own parent(s). They want to treat their "child" better than they feel they were treated.

And please don't get me started on the parents who pick out a child to adopt simply because of how the child looks. Agencies used to try hard to pick children who matched the potential adoptive family (white children with white parents, light children with light parents, dark children with dark parents). I don't know if they still do that or not. And it certainly wasn't done in my adoption.

There are some parents who pick out a child because they remind them of someone else. Then they dislike the child because they remind them of that same person.

I know I've only touched on a fraction of reasons why people adopt and I haven't started trying to tell you the affects and the effects that these reasons have on the adoptee. Parents, please understand the adoptee feels whatever you put into their adoption. If you love them they love you back it's that simple. But if you had ulterior motives for adopting, the child feels that as well. Think about why you chose adoption and if your motives weren't pure, you can turn that around.

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