Monday, May 31, 2010

R.I.P. Daddy!

Today, as we celebrate Memorial Day, I pause to give thanks to my father, Clay C. Elmore. He was a retired civilian employee in the Army Reserve as well as a reservist. I remember all of the late nights he put in but was still able to attend all of our school events. I remember going to the Army Reserve Center and riding my bike around the big open space and Daddy's big booming voice telling me to be careful. I can still remember Daddy typing 50-60 words a minute to get out reports and payroll for his fellow reservist. I remember after leaving home, still picking up the phone everyday to talk to him or Mama to tell them about my day and about the antics of their grandchildren.

I just wanted to take this time to thank all of the men and women who served to make us safer and to thank my father for doing his part. I love you Daddy.

Happy Memorial Day

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Change of Plans

Every year, my husband and I squeeze in as many short road trips as possible. This weekend was no different, as we just got back from Savannah Georgia. We used to try to get to Charleston South Carolina a couple times a year. Because my birth mother is from South Carolina, I always imagine that if I sit in one place for a while, someone will walk by and recognize me. "Oh, you look just like..." are the words I'm longing to hear. Okay, so it hasn't happened yet and I'm tired of raising my expectations. So this weekend, we changed our plans and drove to Atlanta to see some old friends in from Virginia and then on to Savannah to walk along the river and eat some good seafood (before the oil spill damages all of our bodies of water).

Being with friends we hadn't seen in 12 years made me think of how a reunion with my birth mother will be. To hug each other and share experiences with each other: to cry, to laugh, and probably cry some more is how I imagine our first meeting.

We'll go back to Charleston one day, but in the meantime, we'll keep looking for other places to go to enjoy our weekends. Soon, I'll be a Sleigh ride away from finding myself.

Remember our fallen. Happy Memorial Day!

Monday, May 24, 2010

I Said It, I Did It!

This post is going to be short and sweet.... I did it!!!! I start school June 28th! I'm so excited.

Maybe I am finding myself finally. I've haven't been this excited about something in a long long time. L. Sleigh better come on and get on the bandwagon or she's going to miss out on some amazing things that I feel are bound to happen. Today my motto is "her loss"

That Sleigh ride just took a turn for a great place!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Somebody Knows!

Somebody out there knows something about my biology. Perhaps one day they will have the courage to step up and tell me what they know. Maybe someone heard their parents talking about my adoption. Any tidbit would help me in my search. Lord knows, I've chased several wild geese following up on those kinds of leads.

When I see an adoptee on television, speaking of their experience or a birth mother telling us how miserable she has been since giving her baby up for adoption and occasionally even the birth father who knew nothing about the baby until much too late to do anything, I wonder if my birth mother is seeing the same show and thinking about me.

Tomorrow is the day I celebrate the day of my birth and it is always around this time that feelings of deja vu come abounding. I keep seeing things or hearing phrases that remind me of something from a long time ago. Are those my ancestors speaking to me? Are they telling me that it won't be long now before I find out about my biology or are they telling me to move on and just forget about it? I almost feel like putting posters up in every city in America with L. Sleigh's information on it. But wait, I forgot, I don't have L. Sleigh's information. I wonder if she saw a "lost mother" or a "wanted" poster hanging on a telephone pole would she ignore it, be embarassed about it or even recognize herself.

The Lord has blessed me tremendously and continues to shower me with His love, grace and mercy. I'm sure He will reveal my birth information in His time. But note to birthmom, tomorrow is the day you gave birth to me. Will you please scream Happy Birthday to me as loud as you can so I can hear it? Just introduce yourself. I don't want anything from you. I just want to see you, hear your voice, ask a couple questions about your health. But if you were to open up to me... I'd like to have a friendship with you, learn all I could about you. Come on L. Sleigh, you're out there somewhere. How about it?

The best birthday present I could have would be the gift of my birth mom! Maybe my Sleigh ride will end tomorrow! It could happen!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Underlying Issues

Like I've said before, I think adoptees have more medical issues than "normal" people. And because we have no way to verify conditions that could be inherited, we end up going from doctor to doctor trying to find out what is wrong. I have suffered from Fibromyalgia for about 20 years. At first no one knew what it was. Some doctors wanted to call it Chronic Pain Syndrome, others wanted to call it Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and finally one of my doctors diagnosed it as Fibromyalgia. The medication designed to help with the pain causes me swelling and suicidal thoughts (find out about the side effects of the medications you take). So I'm in a catch 22 so to speak.

Cold weather and rain are two of the things that cause my Fibromyalgia to flair up. Stress is another one of those things that causes major flair ups. You've heard people say that they can tell when it's going to rain because their arthritis rears its' ugly head, Fibromyalgia does the same thing. The stress of trying to find my biology has increased the time I have to spend fighting the pain of Fibromyalgia.

I also have Vitiligo (loss of pigment). Yes, the same thing Michael Jackson had. My skin is void of color. Information about Vitiligo is slowly being learned. Stress, digestive issues and heredity are some of the causes of Vitiligo. There again, because I don't have any information about my biology, I have to blame it on stress or digestive issues. It basically boils down to the stress of finding my birth mother.

Being adopted affects more than your heart and your head, it has an effect on your body. The not knowing takes its' toll on the adoptee in a lot of different ways.

Dear Lord, let me be just a Sleigh ride away from getting the answers I need

Monday, May 17, 2010

Unfinished Business

I have been threatening for years to go back to school and complete my degree to no avail. I keep going back to school and for one reason or another, and I never finish. That's been the story of my life. Unfinished business. I start something, I stop. I start something else, I stop. This has gone on and on and on forever. I think it has something to do with me being adopted. Because I can't find my genealogy, I think I have a mental block about the rest of my life.

Of course, no one but me cares if I back to school or not, so when I say I've been threatening, it's only myself I'm hurting. How do I equate my unfinished business with being adopted? First of all, I blame everything on my being adopted. But I think it's because my life has been such a lie I'm afraid of finality.

Now I have been able to complete some things. For instance, I raised 2 sets of twins. I wrote and published two short stories. And I guess if I thought long and hard enough about it, I'd find some other accomplishments I've achieved. Yet those accomplishments have never been enough to sustain me. Finding myself is what will keep me going, moving toward a goal.

Okay, now I've decided to go back to school! I've said it publicly. I'm committed. Perhaps I am finding myself now. Maybe it won't take finding my birth mother for me to move forward. Maybe I am now just a Sleigh ride from finding me!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Yesterday Part of My Dream Died

I spent part of my childhood praying that one day I would find out that the incredible Lena Horne was my birth mother. Once I got my non-identifying information from the state of Indiana, I was able to rule that possibility out as my birth mother was about 20 years younger than Ms. Horne. But that didn't stop me from praying that a miracle would occur and Lena Horne would come bursting through my front door and declare her undying love for me and beg for my forgiveness for abandoning me.

Lena Horne once said "After I got over the terrible pain of having something of mine taken from me, I began to think how bad everybody else must be feeling. It wasn't a nice time." When I read that statement, I just knew she was talking about me. Maybe I was taken from her. Maybe she lost me through no fault of her own. She gave me hope that my birth mother would find me some day, some way, some how.

As we just celebrated Mother's Day, I grieved for the 2 mothers I had lost; my birth mom and my adoptive mother. And upon waking Monday morning, I found out that I had lost my 3rd mother, my pretend mother. R.I.P. Lena Horne. You still give me hope, the hope that I'm just a Sleigh ride from finding myself.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!

I want to take this time to wish all of the mothers including single fathers, aunts, and everyone who has had a hand in raising someone a Happy Mother's Day. This is an emotional time for me as I have now lost two mothers. So Happy Mother's Day L. Sleigh where ever you are. And Happy Mother's Day to Irene Thompson Elmore who loved me unconditionally.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Motherless Child

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.. a long way from home." (J. W. Johnson, J. R. Johnson) Since my adoptive mother died 5 years ago, the words from the song Motherless Child describe how I feel. I've now been abandoned by 2 mothers. Whew! That's a lot to digest. One mother, maybe by choice and the other mother by God's choosing. As we approach Mother's Day, the words to the song ring louder and louder in my ears. No time for pity though, I have to continue to be the best mother I can be to my children.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there.