Urgency

For years finding my birth mother or any other information about my biology has been uppermost in my mind. I've wanted the information more out of curiosity than anything else. But as I get older and health problems are starting to plague my life, I need the information to find out if any of my issues are inherited and can possibly be passed on to my children and/or grandchildren. After taking some tests the other day which have the potential to have devasting results suddenly it's not so important to know my biology but living my best life ever.

In just a few days, I've learned that I need to live my life with an urgency I've never felt before. It's now important to get those books written, sing the songs I want to sing, dance the dances and other literal and figurative goals I want to accomplish. I can't worry about anything that I can't solve and those things i think I can solve, I will do so only if I choose to. I now understand that everyone's problems are not mine to fix. There was a plaque on a relative's wall that will forever be ingrained in my mind: "The failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." So there will be times I will tell people I can't help them period or I can't help them at that particular time. I may even say I don't want to help them at all. I will be more selective about how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. I will spend more time being positive, reading my bible and in prayer.

I am going to have to take of me first! I am going to live to live.

Undying Love/Undying Gratitude

There was a time that talking about being adopted was taboo. Now that my adoptive mother and father are deceased I talk about being adopted to whatever audience I can find. An older lady who knew my mother and father, upon hearing that I was looking for my birth mother, called me and told me "your mother and father loved you much". Okay, and???? Was that supposed to mean that I had no rights to my past? Searching for my biology doesn't repudiate their love for me nor mine for them. It simply means I am one of those who wants to know where I came from.

I understand those who don't want to know and wholeheartedly applaude them. I pray for the time when knowing my birth mother no longer matters to me. But right now, I have the need to know. When I talk to you about finding my biology please don't give me reasons why I shouldn't. You can tell me you don't want to have that conversation with me but don't nullify my feelings by trying to explain them away. The one thing that sticks in my crawl and just won't seem to let go is somebody trying to clarify (to me) what I'm saying. I don't need you to rationalize, analyze, or translate anything. If you can help me resolve the need by giving me information about my biology then please feel free to do so. But I will no longer stay silent, closemouthed or unheard about my feelings.

Yes I am grateful to Clay C. and Irene (Thompson) Elmore for adopting me. I love them and I felt the love they had for me. I owe them a debt of gratitude for adopting me and giving me the best life they knew how to give. However, that love and gratitude won't let me forgive them for not getting more information about how I came to be in order to enlighten me if/when the time came.

Adoptive parents, yes and that includes those who think they will never have issues with their children, get the information for your child(ren). If you never need it..fine but if/when you do, you'll have it handy and may be able to save yourselves the heartache of having a child who may never be able to forgive you.

The Real Truths Revealed

Up until now I've tried to be as politically correct as I can be in sharing my feelings. But in order to tell how I have been impacted by adoption, I have to dig deep. Some people who read my feelings won't agree with me, but please remember these are MY thoughts.

Let's get started. If my adoptive mother had her way, everyone she knew would have adopted a baby. And just about everyone she knew did indeed adopt. She had a friend in Indianapolis who kept her up to date on babies that had been relinquished. Now I don't know how my mother knew so many people who wanted to adopt or if she was browbeating her friends into taking this "unwanted" children. But everywhere I turned in Muncie, someone had been adopted by one of my mother and father's friends.

If we take a look at the dynamics of the above paragraph, wouldn't it stand to reason that my mother would have/should have known more about where I came from. I have to think she did know. But when she died whatever information she had, she took it with her. Am I angry? Heck to the yeah I'm angry...in fact, I'm downright mad!

Come on adoptive parents, tell the truth. Tell the children you vowed to take care of the truth. Their future depends on it.

Dead Secrets

I think it is so sad when people die with the information that may set someone free. What would it hurt to tell someone where they came from? I accept the fact they may not have known what was needed but if they did I wish they would have told it. So many people go to their graves with secrets that hold the key to open up a whole new and different world for someone. This is true not only in the world of adoption but happens on a regular basis. Why all the secrecy in the first place? I'm so surprised that no one has come forward to tell me something they may have heard years ago about my biology. They talk about everything else but no one, I mean absolutely no one has given me a snippit of information. Well I take that back a person assigned to me by the state who had my information in her hands could only give me the information I already knew! I could have guessed and guessed until I was blue in the face but she wasn't releasing what I was hoping for.

Perhaps the people that are holding on to the whys and wherefores never thought technology would catch up to some of that information. Technology has caught up with information that is entered by humans. So if no humans have the information, then it can't be loaded. It's a cruel and vicious cycle and it has to be broken.