Goodbyes

In January, I lost a friend; a very dear friend. She was older than me. In fact, she was about the same age as my birth mother. She was sick for a while but her dying came so suddenly and so unexpectedly. All these months later, I still hurt at the mention of her. She was the person who made me feel loved like a daughter. She spoke about things I could've never talked to my adoptive mother about. I often wonder what kind of relationship my birth mother and I would have had. Would we have been distant, speaking only when things were good or when things were bad? Would we have laughed with each other or even at each other when appropriate. I didn't get the opportunity to tell her goodbye.

I have the same feeling about losing her as I do my birth mother. I never got to say goodbye. I never had the chance to say godbye to the woman whose womb I developed in. I never got to experience the essence of my mother's fragrance; the scent I became accustomed to while growing in the dark space of her being. I never got to behold her face or feel the warmth of being rocked in the cradle of her arms. All of those factors were the influences on my wellspring that made me what I've become. But what would I have been had I grown up with my birth mother? What could I have been? Am I the best that I could be? I've heard it said we can never be 100% of anything if we don't know the percentage we started with. Without having the information about my biology, I may never know the portion of the amount I'm dealing with.

As a child, we didn't talk about me being adopted so I didn't know how to process the feelings that I'm now dealing with. I couldn't truly appreciate the love my adoptive parents had for me and I'm sure they loved me, but the love my older friend showed me allowed me to finally feel what every daughter should feel. Thank you Mama Janet.