Puzzled Piece
Adult Adoptee Interview
Age: 32
Gender: Female
1. What Age Were You When You Were Adopted?
4 years old
but I had been with my adoptive father from age 2
2. In What State Were You Adopted?
Oregon.
3. Was Your Adoption Open or Closed
My adoption was complicated. It was either the very first times, or among the first times, a single father adopted a child in the state of Oregon. My mother's name had to be left on the birth certificate, even though she signed over all her rights, because there was no other mother to take her place on the paperwork. My original father was removed and replaced with my adoptive father, and my name was changed.
4. How old were you when you were first informed about your adoption?
I knew about the adoption process because I had been 2 when I went to live with my adoptive dad, and then at age 4 I was put into foster care as the state studied him and his ability to provide for me. I had also met many of my siblings, both older and younger, so I knew from the age of 2... except I don't know if I really understood it until I was older.
5. Have you considered searching for anyone from your birth family?
I found my birth mother when I was 17. I met many of my older siblings. Three of my younger siblings have been located (they were all adopted into the same home), but have no interest in reunion. I don't know enough about my birth father to search, just his name. My birth mother assures me that his family are probably all dead.
6. Were your adoptive parents supportive in your search?
My adoptive father knew I wanted to search. He never says much about it. We don't really talk about it. I think it makes him sad. I can't complain about it to him, either. He won't tolerate any complaints about my birth mother or her family - he expects me to be kind to them. That has worked in my favor in some ways, because I haven't been able to draw my adoptive family into the drama. It's healthier.
7. Were you adopted with a sibling? (If yes, male or female sibling?)
no, I was raised as a singleton. I am number 6 in 10 siblings, with the older 5 staying in the family and the younger 5 adopted away. 3 of my siblings are half-Chinese, and the state placed them together. By the time they went up for adoption, I had already been adopted away.
8. Do you know any member of your birth family?
My adoptive father had limited contact with them and their caretakers for a short time.
The following questions were asked to get a better understanding of some hereditary conditions that may have been avoided if the adoptee had access to their medical history
Autoimmune Diseases- Yes (throidectomy and fibromyalgia)
Cancer- No (benign cancerous growths and tumors)
Diabetes-No
Hair Loss-No
Heart Health-No
Lung Health-no
Menopause-No
Mental Health-Yes (anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders synesthesia)
Multiple Sclerosis-No
Reproductive Health-No
Sarcoidosis-No
In your own words how do you feel about being adopted?
adoption is difficult to put into words. It means being part of two (sometimes more) families, but not being a full member of any one family. There is always that missing history, or missing DNA, or missing level of understanding that limits your ability to fit in. It's a struggle and it doesn't always seem worthwhile. It can be very demoralizing, confusing, and heartbreaking. Reunion isn't always what it's cracked up to be. My older siblings sometimes still refer to themselves as a family of 5 siblings, but I am number 6. I feel like a nuisance, a bother, a bore. They already have that connection with each other, and it was effortless because they had each other the whole time - creating a relationship out of thin air (or blood) takes more work than many people are willing to put into it. I don't have any support network because my reality affects so many of the people who would normally be supportive in an intimate way. How do I complain about the antics of my birthmother to her other daughters, or to my adoptive dad who doesn't want to hear about the difficult nature of my adoption and reunion? I can't. I can't explain to the family how betrayed I feel, how abandoned I feel, even by the older siblings. I can't explain how important it was for me to find my heritage, my blood, my people. I was raised by people who looked completely different from me, and I felt outcast and strange. I needed to know where I came from, who I looked like. I couldn't ever get that through to people - people who take their connections for granted. In many ways, adoption creates more ties to more people, but the ties themselves are weakened. In many ways, I feel like an only child and an orphan, despite having as many family members as I do (on both sides). I wish I knew my fathers lineage, but I never will. I wish my birth family would take the time and make the effort to get to know me, but they never will. I am always being compared to an ideal they had in their mind, and I will never measure up to the younger siblings who were removed by the state and not simply signed away. It's complicated, it's messy, it's a drag.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Rejection
Wednesday night I watched America's Next Top Model. To teach the girls they selected for the season about rejection, they made them think they were going home. The girls who weren't picked for the new season were actually made to believe they had made it to the next round. They showed the emotional reactions of the girls who were actually staying and while it was amazing to see their excitement, they didn't show the girls who were actually going home.
Now I understand that in that world, models are rejected daily just as most of us have been or will be. I'm sure many of us (if not all of us) have suffered the feeling of rejection. We have interviewed for jobs that we didn't get, we have applied for loans that we didn't get, we have wanted to be on a team and weren't selected, etc. And with those rejections we have endured the feelings of momentary low self esteem and lack of confidence. For the most part, we get over those feelings and move on.
Imagine the feelings of rejection for an adoptee, especially an adoptee who is searching for a parent. Each day we can't find our family members we have to acknowledge that rejection on a regular basis. I really wish that a birth mother who decides to relinquish their child would take the time to think about the rejection that child will feel later in life.
With all of the rejection people go through why would someone purposely inflict that kind of pain? Tyra Banks who had been rejected several times at the beginning of her journey should be the last person to deliberately inflict that kind of pain on anyone. Tyra, I have to tell you, you missed the boat on this one.
Now I understand that in that world, models are rejected daily just as most of us have been or will be. I'm sure many of us (if not all of us) have suffered the feeling of rejection. We have interviewed for jobs that we didn't get, we have applied for loans that we didn't get, we have wanted to be on a team and weren't selected, etc. And with those rejections we have endured the feelings of momentary low self esteem and lack of confidence. For the most part, we get over those feelings and move on.
Imagine the feelings of rejection for an adoptee, especially an adoptee who is searching for a parent. Each day we can't find our family members we have to acknowledge that rejection on a regular basis. I really wish that a birth mother who decides to relinquish their child would take the time to think about the rejection that child will feel later in life.
With all of the rejection people go through why would someone purposely inflict that kind of pain? Tyra Banks who had been rejected several times at the beginning of her journey should be the last person to deliberately inflict that kind of pain on anyone. Tyra, I have to tell you, you missed the boat on this one.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Interview with Adult Adoptee 37/F
Puzzled Piece
Adult Adoptee Interview
Age: 37
Gender: Female
1. What age were you when you were adopted?
8 yrs old
2. In what State were you adopted?
Tennessee
3. Was your adoption open or closed?
Open
4. How old were you when you were first informed about your adoption?
Always knew
5. Have you considered searching for anyone from your birth family?
Yes
6. Did you inform your adoptive parents of your plans to search?
No
7. Were your adoptive parents supportive in your search?
No
8. Have you actually started your search?
Completed my search
9. Do you know any member of your birth family?
Yes
10. Were you adopted with a sibling? (If yes, male or female sibling?)
There were two of us put up for adoption. Both were adopted by different families based on race. He is white and was an infant, and I am black (biracial) and was 6 years old.
The following questions were asked to get a better understanding of some hereditary conditions that may have been avoided if the adoptee had access to their medical history
Autoimmune Diseases-no
Cancer-yes
Diabetes-yes
Hair Loss-yes
Heart Health-yes
Lung Health-no
Menopause-yes
Mental Health-no
Multiple Sclerosis-no
Reproductive Health-no
Sarcoidosis-no
In your own words how do you feel about being adopted?
Now that I’m grown, and have met the paternal family, I am glad I was adopted. I see that I would not have had as many opportunities had I been raised by them. Had my maternal grandparents kept me, I may have had an identity crisis at a later age than I did, and therefore have been put at a disadvantage by not understanding my African American heritage. I feel that being exposed to my heritage at an early age prevented me from being blindsided by racism, when it occurred.
Of course there are several aspects of the adoption I wish would have gone better. The bond that an adopted child and adoptive mother/father have is almost non-existent if compared to that which biological children and parents have. Of course I am speaking of healthy biological bonds. As you grow older you learn to make allowances for behavior based on the adoptive circumstances. The allowances may be bad or good, however the need to make them exists.
When I was a child however, I was very confused, and often felt unwanted or used. Maybe this was because I was adopted at the age of 8, and not as an infant. Or maybe it was because I was thrust into a foster parenting system and abused by many prior to finding a good home. It was very hard to trust. I was exposed to things children should know nothing about. You arrive as damaged goods. If you, as a first time foster parent, are not informed of the issues that may accompany the child, then you are going to have problems raising the child to have a healthy self-esteem, rather than finding fault in ALL that they do. I was considered the BAD kid. The black sheep, and all was blamed on me whether I had a part in it or not.
Because I knew my biological mother and grandparents, I felt abandoned by them. I always wanted them to take me back. I am sure this was very hard for my adopted mother to deal with. Again, I was damaged goods, a bi-racially confused and spoiled kid benefiting from financial advantages of white society, only to be adopted by a less financially advantaged black family. I see now why I needed to be with a black family, however, back then I just saw it as being marked, which then was what it was. God had a bigger plan, and knew that’s where I needed to be.
After, and today, sometimes during the pain of it all I can’t help but to see how much worse it could have been. This is not to make light of the situation, it is just to point out that in my situation, and in several others, God knew what he was doing. I also believe that God helped me use the pain to appreciate the struggle and have a testimony. Through me He is able to bless others by allowing me to tell my story so that it can be a mentoring opportunity for those He sends my way. It is important under any circumstances to know that you are NOT alone. The pain will never completely subside. I am not sure if it is suppose to.
Puzzled Piece and Rosa Elmore Ferguson would like to thank this participant for her candid answers about being adopted. It is my desire that these interviews will give voice to adult adoptees who were silenced for so long!
Adult Adoptee Interview
Age: 37
Gender: Female
1. What age were you when you were adopted?
8 yrs old
2. In what State were you adopted?
Tennessee
3. Was your adoption open or closed?
Open
4. How old were you when you were first informed about your adoption?
Always knew
5. Have you considered searching for anyone from your birth family?
Yes
6. Did you inform your adoptive parents of your plans to search?
No
7. Were your adoptive parents supportive in your search?
No
8. Have you actually started your search?
Completed my search
9. Do you know any member of your birth family?
Yes
10. Were you adopted with a sibling? (If yes, male or female sibling?)
There were two of us put up for adoption. Both were adopted by different families based on race. He is white and was an infant, and I am black (biracial) and was 6 years old.
The following questions were asked to get a better understanding of some hereditary conditions that may have been avoided if the adoptee had access to their medical history
Autoimmune Diseases-no
Cancer-yes
Diabetes-yes
Hair Loss-yes
Heart Health-yes
Lung Health-no
Menopause-yes
Mental Health-no
Multiple Sclerosis-no
Reproductive Health-no
Sarcoidosis-no
In your own words how do you feel about being adopted?
Now that I’m grown, and have met the paternal family, I am glad I was adopted. I see that I would not have had as many opportunities had I been raised by them. Had my maternal grandparents kept me, I may have had an identity crisis at a later age than I did, and therefore have been put at a disadvantage by not understanding my African American heritage. I feel that being exposed to my heritage at an early age prevented me from being blindsided by racism, when it occurred.
Of course there are several aspects of the adoption I wish would have gone better. The bond that an adopted child and adoptive mother/father have is almost non-existent if compared to that which biological children and parents have. Of course I am speaking of healthy biological bonds. As you grow older you learn to make allowances for behavior based on the adoptive circumstances. The allowances may be bad or good, however the need to make them exists.
When I was a child however, I was very confused, and often felt unwanted or used. Maybe this was because I was adopted at the age of 8, and not as an infant. Or maybe it was because I was thrust into a foster parenting system and abused by many prior to finding a good home. It was very hard to trust. I was exposed to things children should know nothing about. You arrive as damaged goods. If you, as a first time foster parent, are not informed of the issues that may accompany the child, then you are going to have problems raising the child to have a healthy self-esteem, rather than finding fault in ALL that they do. I was considered the BAD kid. The black sheep, and all was blamed on me whether I had a part in it or not.
Because I knew my biological mother and grandparents, I felt abandoned by them. I always wanted them to take me back. I am sure this was very hard for my adopted mother to deal with. Again, I was damaged goods, a bi-racially confused and spoiled kid benefiting from financial advantages of white society, only to be adopted by a less financially advantaged black family. I see now why I needed to be with a black family, however, back then I just saw it as being marked, which then was what it was. God had a bigger plan, and knew that’s where I needed to be.
After, and today, sometimes during the pain of it all I can’t help but to see how much worse it could have been. This is not to make light of the situation, it is just to point out that in my situation, and in several others, God knew what he was doing. I also believe that God helped me use the pain to appreciate the struggle and have a testimony. Through me He is able to bless others by allowing me to tell my story so that it can be a mentoring opportunity for those He sends my way. It is important under any circumstances to know that you are NOT alone. The pain will never completely subside. I am not sure if it is suppose to.
Puzzled Piece and Rosa Elmore Ferguson would like to thank this participant for her candid answers about being adopted. It is my desire that these interviews will give voice to adult adoptees who were silenced for so long!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Interview with an Adult Adoptee 61/F
Puzzled Piece
Adult Adoptee Interview
Age : 61
Gender: F
1. What age were you when you were adopted?
age 6
2. In what State were you adopted?
North Carolina
3. Was your adoption open or closed?
closed
4. How old were you when you were first informed about your adoption?
age 4. I met my adopted parents then, and they took me home with them for a “trial”.
5. Have you considered searching for anyone from your birth family?
I have searched for years.
6. Did you inform your adoptive parents of your plans to search?
No. My adopted mother had already hired a private detective when I was a child to look for my birth parents because, as she said, I looked too much like my adopted family not to have some roots there (my foster mother was her aunt – there were many secrets & skeletons in their closets).
7. Were your adoptive parents supportive in your search?
They died before I began my search.
8. Have you actually started your search?
I began when I was 27.
9. Do you know any member of your birth family?
Not that I know of (see question #6).
10. Were you adopted with a sibling? (If yes, male or female sibling?)
No.
The following questions were asked to get a better understanding of some hereditary conditions that may have been avoided if the adoptee had access to their medical history
Autoimmune Diseases: No
Cancer: No
Diabetes: No
Hair Loss: A little
Heart Health: Rheumatic fever at age 6 months. Heart murmur. High blood pressure. Angina
Lung Health: Pleurisy
Menopause: Of course!
Mental Health: Diagnosed as manic-depressive at age 13
Multiple Sclerosis: No
Reproductive Health: I have 4 kids!
Sarcoidosis: Not that I know of.
In your own words how do you feel about being adopted?
"I feel cheated. I wanted to stay with my foster parents (and they wanted me to, (but it was not allowed in those days). I thought that, since they were related to my adoptive parents, I would be allowed to see them but, after they had visited only once, I was told that they couldn’t come any more. I cried inconsolably for a very long time. After my adoptive parents died, I visited my foster parents often and took my children to meet them & play at their farm.
When I read your book Loved to Death, except for the fact that I am alive, I felt that you had been the fly on my wall all of my adopted life. My mother reminded me often that she had never wanted children and showed me her hysterectomy scar whenever she was angry with me to prove it (my foster parents wanted to keep me but couldn’t, according to law, so they begged my mother & father to adopt me to keep me in the family), My daddy loved me to pieces, but wasn’t allowed to touch, hold or kiss me because “all men are only after one thing”, according to my adoptive mother. Therefore, I don’t remember ever being kissed or hugged, or told that I was loved during my entire childhood. My mother passed away first, and it was after that that my daddy then lavished all the love he had wanted to, all those years, on me. But by then I was grown and it was awkward and though I tried, I just didn’t know how. I am only just these past 2 or 3 years learning how to say “I love you” to my children & grandchildren as well as to hug them and outwardly express love & emotion.
I still think of my birth mother & father almost every day and wonder if they are still alive and think of me sometimes. After my adoptive parents died, my foster mom told me all she remembered about them, but she had never learned their names, as it was forbidden for her to talk to them. But she did hear them talking to me, even as a baby, and knew they both loved me, especially my father, who wanted to keep me and raise me, but my mother’s family (who were very wealthy), filed some sort of court document stating that he was not my father and demanding that he give up all rights ( my mother was only around 17, and my father was a soldier). It was even forbidden that they come to visit me, but after the courts found out that they were and demanded that they stop, my mother’s sister still came to see me until I was old enough to remember her visits (around 2 or 3).
Yes, I feel like a big, important, chunk of my life was denied to me, and there is a hole where there should have been sweet memories."
Puzzled Piece and Rosa Elmore Ferguson would like to thank this participant for her candid answers about being adopted. It is my desire that these interviews will give voice to adult adoptees who were silenced for so long!
Adult Adoptee Interview
Age : 61
Gender: F
1. What age were you when you were adopted?
age 6
2. In what State were you adopted?
North Carolina
3. Was your adoption open or closed?
closed
4. How old were you when you were first informed about your adoption?
age 4. I met my adopted parents then, and they took me home with them for a “trial”.
5. Have you considered searching for anyone from your birth family?
I have searched for years.
6. Did you inform your adoptive parents of your plans to search?
No. My adopted mother had already hired a private detective when I was a child to look for my birth parents because, as she said, I looked too much like my adopted family not to have some roots there (my foster mother was her aunt – there were many secrets & skeletons in their closets).
7. Were your adoptive parents supportive in your search?
They died before I began my search.
8. Have you actually started your search?
I began when I was 27.
9. Do you know any member of your birth family?
Not that I know of (see question #6).
10. Were you adopted with a sibling? (If yes, male or female sibling?)
No.
The following questions were asked to get a better understanding of some hereditary conditions that may have been avoided if the adoptee had access to their medical history
Autoimmune Diseases: No
Cancer: No
Diabetes: No
Hair Loss: A little
Heart Health: Rheumatic fever at age 6 months. Heart murmur. High blood pressure. Angina
Lung Health: Pleurisy
Menopause: Of course!
Mental Health: Diagnosed as manic-depressive at age 13
Multiple Sclerosis: No
Reproductive Health: I have 4 kids!
Sarcoidosis: Not that I know of.
In your own words how do you feel about being adopted?
"I feel cheated. I wanted to stay with my foster parents (and they wanted me to, (but it was not allowed in those days). I thought that, since they were related to my adoptive parents, I would be allowed to see them but, after they had visited only once, I was told that they couldn’t come any more. I cried inconsolably for a very long time. After my adoptive parents died, I visited my foster parents often and took my children to meet them & play at their farm.
When I read your book Loved to Death, except for the fact that I am alive, I felt that you had been the fly on my wall all of my adopted life. My mother reminded me often that she had never wanted children and showed me her hysterectomy scar whenever she was angry with me to prove it (my foster parents wanted to keep me but couldn’t, according to law, so they begged my mother & father to adopt me to keep me in the family), My daddy loved me to pieces, but wasn’t allowed to touch, hold or kiss me because “all men are only after one thing”, according to my adoptive mother. Therefore, I don’t remember ever being kissed or hugged, or told that I was loved during my entire childhood. My mother passed away first, and it was after that that my daddy then lavished all the love he had wanted to, all those years, on me. But by then I was grown and it was awkward and though I tried, I just didn’t know how. I am only just these past 2 or 3 years learning how to say “I love you” to my children & grandchildren as well as to hug them and outwardly express love & emotion.
I still think of my birth mother & father almost every day and wonder if they are still alive and think of me sometimes. After my adoptive parents died, my foster mom told me all she remembered about them, but she had never learned their names, as it was forbidden for her to talk to them. But she did hear them talking to me, even as a baby, and knew they both loved me, especially my father, who wanted to keep me and raise me, but my mother’s family (who were very wealthy), filed some sort of court document stating that he was not my father and demanding that he give up all rights ( my mother was only around 17, and my father was a soldier). It was even forbidden that they come to visit me, but after the courts found out that they were and demanded that they stop, my mother’s sister still came to see me until I was old enough to remember her visits (around 2 or 3).
Yes, I feel like a big, important, chunk of my life was denied to me, and there is a hole where there should have been sweet memories."
Puzzled Piece and Rosa Elmore Ferguson would like to thank this participant for her candid answers about being adopted. It is my desire that these interviews will give voice to adult adoptees who were silenced for so long!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Interviews
By now I'm sure you're tired of hearing my "woe is me" tales. So what's coming up you ask? Well I'll tell you..Soon I will feature "interviews" of other adult adoptees so you can feel the pain and/or the joy we all share.
Coming Soon
Coming Soon
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Adult Adoptees Needed
I'm looking for adult adoptees who were adopted as infants or young children to be interviewed for this blog! Email me at rosa@rosaferguson.com if you are interested in taking part.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Puzzled Piece Adult Adoptee Questionnaire
We are looking for adult adoptees willing to answer a confidential questionnaire. Your answers will be featured as an interview on Just A Sleigh Ride Away blog. Email me if interested rosa@rosaferguson.com. And thanks in advance for your help with this project!
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